I Just Went Back to TikTok And Everyone’s A Republican Now??!?

Okay, so I deleted TikTok during my brief stint in rehab (long story, involved me trying to “find myself” in the woods and instead finding a bunch of CHUDs who wanted to eat my face). But I just re-downloaded it, and I swear to god, I’ve entered some kind of parallel universe. My FYP, which used to be a delightful mix of thirst traps, people destroying gender norms, and unhinged millennials ranting about their mental health, is now… a conservative political convention?? I’m getting videos of guys in pickup trucks with American flags the size of my apartment, “traditional family” influencers with 12 kids named things like Gunner and Liberty, and an alarming number of people who are really, really into cryptocurrency and beef. What in the late capitalism hell is going on?

My first thought was, “Did I accidentally follow Ben Shapiro?” Nope. Did I break the algorithm by watching one (1) video of a cute golden retriever wearing a “Don’t Tread on Me” bandana? Maybe. But then I saw it. A tiny, almost unnoticeable watermark in the corner of some of the most aggressively patriotic videos. “Oracle Media.” I did some deep digging (I Googled it), and it turns out Oracle Media isn’t just some right-wing content farm. It’s the new parent company of US TikTok, bought by some mega-billionaire tech bro, let’s call him “Gideon Goldstein” (not his real name, but you get the vibe), who is, shocker, a massive pro-Israel, pro-“traditional values,” pro-tax-breaks-for-the-rich Republican.

This isn’t just some random shift in the zeitgeist. This is a deliberate, algorithmic psy-op. Gideon and his cronies at Oracle, Silver Lake, and MDX aren’t just promoting conservative content; they’re actively suppressing anything they deem “not jewy enough.” I tried to find my favorite lesbian couple who renovates houses, and they’re both married to guys now. What kind of life is that? You can’t search for “feminism,” “BLM,” or even “avocado toast” without getting redirected to videos of a guy named Maurice explaining why inflation is actually a good thing if you just work harder. My #BookTok feed, once a haven for spicy romantasy recommendations, is now just a bunch of guys named Kyle discussing Ayn Rand and why public libraries are just front operations for clowns and drag queens. It’s a digital apocalypse!

So what’s a chronically online millennial to do? I’ve tried “training the algorithm” by watching videos of cats jumping into windows (my new favorite thing, fight me) and thirsting over K-pop idols, but the algorithm is fighting back. I’ll get one good video of a cat splat, and then immediately get a 45-minute monologue from a congressman about the dangers of drag queen story hour. It’s a war for my attention span, and honestly, my brain is already fried from trying to understand off-grid influencer union politics. I’m losing. Badly. The only logical next step is to move to a cabin in the woods, get rid of my phone, and communicate with the outside world exclusively through elaborately arranged stacks of rocks. Or, I guess, I could just learn to love the taste of cheap beer and the sound of a V8 engine. But that sounds like work. So, for now, I’ll just be here, scrolling, watching my timeline get redder and redder, and mourning the death of the TikTok I used to know.