Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Anything That Rhymes With “Mepstein Miles”
“It’s called freedom of speech, not freedom of what to talk about”
In a move that has left linguists, poets, and toddlers who just learned how to say “pees” shell-shocked, President Trump has signed an executive order titled “Prohibition of Rhymes Involving Unsavory Billionaire Mephistopheles Impersonators (And Other Commonly Mispronounced Words)”. The order bans anyone from uttering phrases that rhyme with “Mepstein Miles” — a cheeky reference to the oft-discussed Epstein Files, which Trump insists are “fake news” and “definitely not about him.”
“It’s About National Security, Folks!”
The announcement came during a chaotic press conference where Trump spent 90% of his time aggressively staring at a framed photo of himself riding a horse. “Rhyming is a weapon,” he declared, waving a finger like a conductor’s baton. “Next thing you know, people will be rhyming ‘Mepstein Miles’ with ‘child trafficking deals’ or ‘tax evasion schemes.’ That’s bad for USA brand integrity! We need to make sure my sexy tariffs are working properly!”
The order explicitly prohibits words, phrases, and even accidental sneezes that rhyme with “Mepstein Miles,” including but not limited to:
“Epstein Files” (too obvious)
“Death steam trials” (definitely not a thing)
“Trump Tax evasion” (why are you like this, America?)
“Feels like Friday nights!” (innocent! Probably!)
Reactions: Chaos and Confusion
The New York Times’s style editor quit mid-sentence to start a TikTok explaining why “Mepstein Miles” is the latest in Trump’s “nonstop careening towards bizarre authoritarianisms.”
Senator Chuck Schumer tweeted: “This is worse than my time trapped watching the unreleased ‘Incredibles 3.’”
Parody organization “Free Speech For Rhyming Felons” held a protest outside the White House, chanting “We’ll rhyme ’bout whatever, Trump’s laws apply to us never!” before being arrested for “excessive creativity.”
Trump’s Inner Circle Weighs In
Deputy Chief of Staff Mark Meadows defended the order during an interview with Fox News: “The left wants to turn our language into a playground for pedophiles and rhyme thieves. We’re stopping them. Also, ‘Mepstein Miles’ sounds like a rejected Disney song. Let’s not go there.”
Meanwhile, the FBI’s Rhyme Crimes Division (a real unit, apparently) has already begun raiding poetry slams and karaoke bars. Their first arrest? A man in Ohio who accidentally said “Pepto Bismol” in a weird way. Yes, “Pepto Bismol.”
Social Media Melts Down
Twitter users quickly embraced the absurdity:
@RealDonaldTrumpJr: “Crooked Hillary’s ‘rhymebook’ just got a recall notice. #MAGAmeansnotdiscussingMepstein”
@GrammarNaziChief: “This is an abuse of power we haven’t seen since Hillary set up a private email server in her house!”
Trending hashtag: #WriteAroundEpsteinReferences
The Aftermath
Local schools are now required to teach “Anti-Rhyme Literacy” as a mandatory subject. Meanwhile, educators struggle to explain why children keep humming “Mepstein Miles” to the tune from Frozen 3: Let’s Ice This Some More.
As for Trump? He’s reportedly drafting an order banning the letter “E” to “protect national morale.” Stay tuned.
