I Agree With Whatever Opinion You Have About Charlie Kirk. Please Don’t Kill Me

by OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM staff

In a shocking twist that no one saw coming, OJ Wolfsmasher, CEO of OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM and part-time philosopher, has announced he now agrees with every opinion you, and you specifically, have about Charlie Kirk’s assassination (or anything else).

“Why argue when you can literally be right all the time?”, OJ declared while sipping espresso laced with Existential Dread (his new “OJ’s Coffee Creamer” flavor, available now at the off-brand Wal-Mart, Wat-Mart). “If you think Kirk deserved a bullet or a shrine, I’m on your team. I’m not agreeing to disagree, because I agree no matter what! No, I’m not brilliant – you’re brilliant! Please don’t murder me.”

1. Doubling Down:
   OJ stands firm: “If you think Kirk was a fascist or a saint, congrats—you’re now my best friend! I agree with you one hundred percent! We’ll host a bipartisan rave at his grave. Bring snacks.” (Spoiler: The rave is just an ad for OJ’s new cryptocurrency, GraveDustCoin.)
2. Vague New Legislation:
   To “solve” the debate, OJ plans to legally require everyone to agree with… themselves. “No more ‘your opinion vs. mine’—just infinite self-love! Sponsored by our friends at Solipsism+App.” (It’s just a filter that makes your face look uglier so you buy more beauty products and plastic surgery. Download it now! Or don’t! I agree with your course of action, always!)
3. He’s Already Dead Anyway:
   OJ’s recently unearthed long-lost diary reveals he made peace with with everyone years ago. “I’ve been a zombie CEO this whole time,” he admits. “I’m actually dead, so there’s no need to kill me.” (RIP OJ. He rests in peace… and probably in a tax loophole.)
4. OJ Admits Everything: To demonstrate his commitment to agreeing with you, and you personally, OJ has decided to retroactively declare all previously expressed disagreements with anyone as null and void. That’s right, OJ is admitting he was wrong, unless you agree with him, in which case he one hundred percent stands with you and asks you to kindly NOT murder him in cold blood in front of his family.

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