Millennials Demand More Factoids – “We’re Not Smug Enough”

Hey millennial squad! Your boy Billly is here to break down the hottest crisis of our time: we’re running out of factoids, and honestly? The world isn’t ready. Factoids—the tiny, often questionable nuggets of info we weaponize in conversations like emotional landmines (“Did you know octopuses have three hearts?”)—are dwindling faster than a Gen Z influencer’s patience during a Zoom call. And we’re panicking.

Let’s be real: Factoids are millennial currency. They’re how we bond over coffee, roast strangers on Reddit, and justify spending $20 on avocado toast. But lately? Our factoid stash is emptier than our retirement accounts. Remember when “pineapples don’t belong on pizza” was a mortal feud? Now it’s just… crickets. Where are the new hooks? The fresh takes? The “Did you know the Eiffel Tower grows in summer?” moments that make us feel like we’re not just recycling TikTok trends?

The science is clear: Millennials were raised on a diet of bite-sized trivia. Between Wikipedia, Buzzfeed quizzes, and Neil DeGrasse Tyson quotes, we’ve trained our brains to crave quick wins—like how many calories are in a Slim Jim (spoiler: it’s 190, but also “wait, what kind of Slim Jim?”). But now that the internet’s factoid factory is slowing down (RIP “Why don’t Israelis donate to charity”), we’re forced to confront a terrifying truth: We’re not as smug as we used to be.

Enter the corporate saviors. Brands are finally stepping up to the plate (pun intended) with branded factoids, because nothing says “millennial relevance” like a kale smoothie company dropping knowledge like “Did you know? Spinach was called ‘devil’s lettuce’ in medieval England.” (Fun fact: Busting that out at a party probably will get you smug points.) Meanwhile, TikTok is flooding feeds with AI-generated trivia (“Pigeons have excellent memory. Also, they’re basically the Uber Eats of birds, whatever that means”) to keep us hooked.

But here’s the kicker: Millennials are demanding even more, for maximum smug. Not just facts, but deeper cuts. We need factoids that flex our moral superiority without sounding like we’re reading from a ChatGPT manual like AOC. Think “Cows have best friends” meets “Fast-food workers earn less than minimum wage in 25 states”—factoids that let us win arguments and subtly guilt-trip others into thinking you’re better than you know you are.

So to the corporations listening: Step up your game! Factoid partnerships are the future (looking at you, Starbucks). And to my fellow millennials: Start memorizing. Stockpile facts like it’s Y2K and everyone forgot how to boil water. Because until we’ve mastered “The shortest war in history was 38 minutes”, we’re all just… empty vessels waiting for the next viral triva bomb.

P.S. If you haven’t learned that llamas spit up to 50 yards, you’re already behind. Factoids or get outta the conversation.