COALITION OF KARENS, FEMINISTS, REDDITORS, UGGOS, AND “CHRISTIAN PHARISEES” CALL FOR END TO ALL BONERS
“IT’S A MORAL CRISIS,” SAYS WOMAN WHO ONCE JUDGED A CUPCAKE COMPETITION
Hey, OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM readers! Jesus Smith here, bringing you the most holy hell of a story you’ve ever read. Get ready: A ragtag alliance of Karens, feminists, Reddit’s “r/gamingcirclejerk brigade, Self-described “Ugly People,” and self-righteous Christians who call themselves “The New Pharisees” have banded together to demand the immediate abolition of all male erections – or at least every single one that “harms women and children, which is all of them.”
The coalition, dubbed #YesAllBoners, announced their mission after PayPal and Visa began cracking down on adult game platforms and erotic literature, citing “brand risk” and “financial responsibility.” “Enough is enough,” declared Karen McCallister, a self-appointed moral watchdog from Australia. “My 12-year-old found a condom ad on TikTok, and now he won’t stop asking where babies come from! This is anarchy and I don’t like it! And if I don’t like it, it’s gotta go!”
Feminist leader Lena “The Lynx” Thompson chimed in with a viral Instagram rant: “We’ve fought for bodily autonomy our whole lives, and now some frat boy or incel wants to freely get a boner from your Name, Image, or Likeness? Bro, we’re done. Your junk isn’t a business model – unless it’s a Tesla, amirite? Because Teslas are junk. Get it? I just don’t like Elon Musk, actually. That’s what this is all about.”
When a critic pointed out that an end to boners would mean the probable end of the human race sometime in the next 100 years, “Fierce Feminist” Ms. Thompson replied, “I already support this – you don’t have to try to sell it to me!”
Meanwhile, Reddit’s shadowy overlords – a group of moderators who definitely don’t run a side hustle selling sketchy NFTs to orphans – have launched “Operation Mod Mafia II, This Time It’s Fargon War,” scrubbing explicit content from forums like r/AskMen and r/EroticStories. “We’re not prudes,” insisted u/SnarkyNun, a Redditor who claims to be a nun by day and Reddit mod by night. “We’re just tired of men getting off on literally everything. That hurts us, since we’re not good looking. Do the math.”
The most unexpected ally? Ugly people. “Hideous” mom-of-five, Brenda “The Tax Auditor” Plinkett. “I’ve got nothing against boners,” she said while organizing a boycott of Amazon’s “Adult Section.” “But if you’re gonna have one, at least buy me a coffee first. And put some pants on. It’s possible that I don’t understand what this boycott is about.”
Even the religious right has joined the fray. Pastor Phil “The Good Pharisee” Moneygrubbs of Holy Fire Ministries issued a sermon condemning “the phallus of greed” and demanded Visa stop processing payments for “sinful apps.” “This isn’t censorship,” he roared. “It’s divine intervention! And also, my church needs funds for that new sound system, so we need to make sure our men practice good stewardship. That’s our boner money!”
Critics argue the coalition is overreaching – or at least overly specific. “I’m all for moral clarity,” said indie author Chloe Daring, whose erotic novel The Cafeteria Incident was recently banned from BookBub. “But targeting boners? That’s like trying to ban thunder because it scares your cat. You can’t control biology – only poor life choices.”
Not everyone is buying in. Tech CEO Derek “Silicon Savior” Brooks mocked the effort: “If these folks want to end erections, they’ll need to outlaw testosterone, chocolate, and feet, first. Good luck with that.”
As the movement gains traction, PayPal has already defunded 300,000+ adult platforms, while Visa claims it’s “evaluating partnerships” with companies that “don’t align with shared values.” Meanwhile, Reddit users are scrambling to host content on decentralized platforms like Tor-based forums run by guys named Steve who are totally not sketchy or employees of a government agency or anything.
So what’s next? The coalition is demanding Congress pass the Dignity for All Except Creepy Men Act, which would criminalize “unsolicited erections” and mandate therapy and struggle sessions for anyone getting aroused at any time, for any reason. “If you can’t handle not having a boner,” said Karen McCallister, “you don’t deserve Wi-Fi.”
This is a developing story, but one thing’s clear: Without boners, most of the known world wouldn’t even exist. Here’s hoping our leaders enact sensible legislation that allows humanity to keep keepin’ on, even if that means men get to be gross in the privacy of their own homes.
