Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Anyone From Noticing He’s Old

In a bold move to quash growing rumors that he’s “not exactly a Spring Chicken” (*cough* missing public appearances *cough*), President Trump has signed an executive order titled “Executive Order on Youthful Perpetuation and the Suppression of Ageist Thoughts”. The order prohibits citizens, media outlets, and even pets from acknowledging that Trump is, in fact, 79 years old and showing signs of… “Biden chronological progression.”

“I’m Younger Than Your Dog!”

The order was announced during a hastily called press conference held at Mar-a-Lago, where Trump sported a glowing tan, oxygen tank attached to a bedazzled oxygen mask, and a shirt that read “Don’t Believe the Libtard Lies.”

“My fellow Americans,” Trump declared, squinting suspiciously at a reporter’s notebook, “I’m the youngest president we’ve ever had. Younger than John F. Kennedy! Younger than your grandma’s yoga instructor! Age is a *construct*, folks. And if you notice anything ‘old’ about me, you’re violating Rule 42-B of the Patriot Act.”

The order itself is a sprawling 500-page document (written in all caps) that criminalizes phrases like “are you okay, sir?” and “what’s wrong with your hands?” Violators face fines up to $50,000 and mandatory attendance at a “Make Age Disappear” boot camp featuring seminars on chiropractic care and the history of orthopedic shoes.

“Statistically, I’m Basically a Twinkle-Toed Warlock”

Trump’s administration defended the order by releasing a series of “alternative facts” infographics. Key points include:

– Trump is the first president to drink protein shake smoothies for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

– His hair is “not hair, but a revolutionary cloning experiment funded by NATO. It’s been this way for years.”

– The “old man energy” he’s emitting? “Just advanced diplomacy with a smidgen of dignity.”

Critics quickly pointed out that Trump’s 2024 re-election slogan—“Make America’s President Young Again (MAPYA)”—was oddly prescient.

Reactions Range From Confused to “Why Are We Like This?”

– Senator Mitt Romney tweeted: “This is worse than my 2012 ‘binders full of women’ moment, amirite? Please notice me.”

– Dr. Jane McGonigal, a real-life game designer and former Trump advisor, defended the order: “If we don’t believe he’s ageless, how can he possibly defeat Death itself? It’s all about narrative control!”

– The Geriatric Freedom Front (a parody organization) issued a statement: “We’re suing to ban noticing that Trump’s voice sounds like a walrus on fumes. Our lawyers are older than the Constitution.”

Meanwhile, The Internet Has Already Moved On. Twitter users quickly seized on the order with memes comparing Trump to:

– A confused vampire who forgot his sunscreen.

– A glitchy Xbox avatar that keeps resetting to “Beginner Mode.”

– That one dead uncle everyone seems to have who insists he’s “not dead, just in hibernation!”

As for Trump himself? He’s reportedly already drafting an executive order to ban time itself. “Time is a Democrat construct,” he tweeted. “Vance can handle the 2025 January 6th festivities—he’s got good posture!” People were not sure what he meant by this.

Stay tuned, folks. If this administration taught us anything, it’s that the only thing older than Trump’s golf game is his ability to turn absurdist theater into “news” I have to report on. Good thing Jane Canada is here, and Justin Trudeau is MIA.