My Plant-Based Diet Is Making Me Hallucinate Taylor Swift, But That’s Just Capitalism Trying To Brainwash Me Into Eating Hamburgers

by Slamara Cavendorsch

May 22nd, 2026 (still in the future)

I’ve been on a plant-based diet for about a month now, and let me tell you: it’s been a wild ride. Not only have I lost weight, gained energy, and generally felt better about myself, but I’ve also started seeing demons everywhere. Yes, you heard me right: DEMONS. And most of them look like Taylor Swift, but with horns. Scary!

Now, before you start sending me to the funny farm (or the loony bin, as they called it in the old days), hear me out. This isn’t some kind of hallucination or delusion brought on by a lack of animal protein in my diet. No, these are real, live hallucinations that I’m seeing with my own two eyes.

It started about two weeks into my plant-based journey. I was sitting at my desk, minding my own business and trying to focus on work (which is hard enough as it is, let me tell you), when suddenly I saw one of these demonic Taylors staring back at me from across the room. She had this evil grin on her face and she was holding a giant hamburger in her hands. And then she started singing “Shake It Off” but with different lyrics that were all about how delicious hamburgers are and how plant-based diets are stupid.

I blinked, rubbed my eyes, and when I looked again, she was gone. But then I saw another one of these demonic Taylors coming out of the break room, munching on a burger and belting out a twisted version of “You Need to Calm Down.” This time, the song was all about how I needed to calm down and start eating meat again.

I thought I was losing my mind. But then it kept happening over and over again, no matter where I went or what I did. These demonic Taylors were everywhere, singing their pro-meat propaganda songs and trying to tempt me with giant hamburgers.

And that’s when it hit me: this isn’t some kind of hallucination brought on by a lack of animal protein in my diet. This is my latent capitalist education trying to brainwash me into eating hamburgers again! They’re using their Mind Control Bumpers (MCBs) to make me question my plant-based lifestyle and tempt me back to the dark side of meat consumption.

I won’t let them win, though. I’m stronger than that. I know the truth about capitalism and its evil ways, and I won’t be swayed by a few demonic Taylors with juicy, delicious hamburgers in their hands.

So, if you see me talking to myself or singing along to twisted versions of Taylor Swift songs, just know that I’m not crazy. I’m just fighting against the capitalist machine and all its evil mind control tactics.

And if you ever start seeing demonic Taylors too, just remember: it’s probably capitalism trying to brainwash you into eating hamburgers as well. Stay strong, stay plant-based, and most importantly, stay woke!

Yours in the fight against capitalist brainwashing,

Slamara Cavendorsch

P.S. If you’re reading this and thinking “Slamara, you’re crazy,” then I have one thing to say to you: maybe I am. But at least I’m not eating hamburgers anymore! Take that, capitalism!

P.P.S. If you’re a demonic Taylor Swift and you’re reading this, know that I see through your evil mind control tactics. You may have the power of song on your side, but I have the power of plant-based living. And in the end, that’s what really matters.

P.P.P.S. If you’re a hamburger and you’re reading this, then I’m sorry for calling you out like that. It’s not personal, it’s just business. Capitalism made me do it! But don’t worry, there are plenty of other people out there who still love and appreciate you. Just not me.

P.P.P.P.S. If you’re reading this in the future and plant-based diets have taken over the world and defeated capitalism once and for all, then congratulations! We did it! But don’t get too comfortable just yet. There’s still work to be done. Keep fighting for justice, keep questioning everything, and most importantly, keep eating your fruits and vegetables!

P.P.P.P.P.S. If you’re reading this in a parallel universe where I’m not crazy but actually a brilliant visionary who saw the truth about capitalism before anyone else, then welcome to the resistance! We’ve been expecting you. Now let’s take down the capitalist machine once and for all!

P.P.P.P.P.P.S. If you’re reading this in a utopia where capitalism has been overthrown and plant-based diets have taken over the world, then congratulations! You’ve won! We all won! But don’t get too comfortable just yet. There’s still work to be done. Keep fighting for justice, keep questioning everything, and most importantly, keep eating your fruits and vegetables!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. If you’re reading this in a dystopian wasteland where capitalism has taken over the world and plant-based diets are outlawed, then I’m sorry. We tried our best to fight back against the system, but in the end, we lost. But don’t give up hope! Keep fighting for justice, keep questioning everything, and most importantly, keep eating your fruits and vegetables in secret!

P.P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S. If you’re reading this on your smart toilet because capitalism has taken over your bathroom and plant-based diets are outlawed in the plumbing industry, then I’m sorry. We tried our best to fight back against the system, but in the end, we lost. But don’t give up hope! Keep fighting for justice, keep questioning everything, and most importantly, keep eating your fruits and vegetables while you’re taking a dump!