Trump Executive Order Mandates Research Into “Tele-Deportation”

In a move that has left scientists, immigration officials, and leftists on Bluesky equally confused, President Trump has signed an executive order funding research into “tele-deportation” — a mysterious process he insists will “instantly ship illegal aliens off the planet like we currently do to ghosts.”

The order, titled “Executive Order on Accelerating Border Security Through Quantum Immigration Solutions,” was announced during a rally in Texas, where Trump waved a glowing tablet and declared, “We’re not building walls anymore. We’re building portals. Tremendous portals. And they’ll be so fast, you’ll see bad hombres vanishing faster than Nancy Pelosi’s stocks a day before their price drops.”

The Vague Science (Or Lack Thereof)

According to the order, federal agencies must “explore all avenues” of teleportation technology to deport undocumented immigrants. The plan allegedly involves “harnessing the power of tiny, very angry lasers” and partnering with “top-secret hackers, even Russian or Chinese ones if necessary” — a nod to Trump’s long-standing belief that Russia could “win the deportation game.”

“I’ve been studying teleporters my whole life,” Trump claimed, flanked by a prototype that looked like a disco ball hot glued to a tanning bed. “Believe me, it’s easy. Like when you’re playing Mario Kart and you hit a warp pipe. Except instead of Koopa Troopas, we’re sending bad guys to a place called ‘Narnia.’ They’ll love it. Very cold. Very windy.”

Reactions Range From “WTF?” to “Please Don’t.”

– Dr. Emily Carter, Quantum Physicist: “This is either the most genius idea ever or proof that Trump has been binge-watching *Star Trek* on a loop. Either way, teleporting humans violates every known law of physics. Also, Narnia doesn’t exist. Stop it.”

– ICE Director Tommy “Bananas” Mulvaney: “Sir, we’re already stretched thin trying to catch people sneaking in through the sewers. Do you know how many rat tunnels we’ve had to close? Tele-deportation would save time… until everyone’s *Quantum Leap*-ing back in. Trust me, it’s a nightmare.”

– White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt: “This order is a bold leap toward making America great again — literally! Tele-deportation will also create 10 million jobs in the futuristic ‘portal industry.’ The Deep State just doesn’t get innovation.”

Social Media Melts Down

Twitter users quickly seized on the absurdity:

– @PixelPugAltAccount9: “Trump’s new deportation plan is just him trying to recreate that scene from Back to the Future Part II where Marty goes to the future. ‘Hey, Doc—send these guys to 2030!’”

– @ScienceDude420: “Teleportation requires reversing entropy, which would age deportees to dust. Also, Russia already tried this and sent a sheep to Urkutsk. It was not happy.”

– @Melania2024: Posts a selfie with a dog wearing a “Lock Her Up” collar.

The Fine Print

The order includes $2 billion in funding for “phases 1–5” of teleportation research, with Phase 6 tentatively titled “Fixing Glitches Where People Accidentally Teleport to Walmart.” Critics argue the plan ignores practical issues, like:

– What happens to deportees’ belongings? (“They’ll magically appear in Narnia. MAGA!”)

– How to prevent citizens from teleporting for leisure. (“Only illegal aliens. Trust me, nobody will want to do this.”)

**Final Thought**

As Trump tweeted later: “Tele-deportation is going to be sooo big. bigger than Twitter. bigger than Labubus. Thank you, NASA, for nothing!”

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Jane Canada is a hack writer for OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM. Her work has been described as “the emotional support animal of clickbait journalism.”