I Demanded Men Give Up All Their Human Rights And Now I’m Being Harassed By Them, Please Give Me Money

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round as I share my brave tale of fighting for gender equity—only to be viciously harassed by men who clearly hate progress. Last week, I bravely petitioned Visa, Mastercard, and every other capitalist shill out there to “redistribute all men’s money to women immediately” (taxation without representation, amirite?), and now these toxic patriarchal entities are coming for me with the fury of a thousand expired credit cards!

Let me set the stage: After realizing men have had way too much financial power for centuries (gasp!), I launched a viral petition demanding that Visa and Mastercard freeze all male accounts and transfer every last cent to women. “Why?” you ask? Because equality! Because women deserve reparations for centuries of being told they’re bad at math! Because why should men get any money unless they’re directly paying for menstrual products? It’s basic math—literally.

Strangely, Visa and Mastercard laughed in my face. They’ve always just rolled over for Karens before! But that’s okay! I don’t need their “capitalist crutch” anyway. What I do need is your sympathy (and donations) because toxic misogynist men are now harassing me NONSTOP for daring to disrupt their patriarchal piggy banks. Yesterday, a man tweeted, “Karen Plate-Crabdip wants my paycheck? I’ll throw a dildo at her instead!” Another threatened to “have 4Chan hack her GoFundMe.” And get this—someone even made a TikTok of a CGI chihuahua crying because “women can’t buy protein bars anymore.” I’m actually not even sure what that means, except for HARASSMENT.

But let’s be real: This harassment is totally their fault. When you demand men surrender their financial autonomy, you’re asking for pushback from people who still think women belong in the kitchen… or worse. These misogynistic relics are desperate to cling to their “right” to buy Big Gulps and testosterone patches without consequence. Newsflash, boys: The woke economy is here, and your privilege isn’t a protected class anymore!

To make a long story short, my inbox is flooded with threats like, “Karen, we know where you live,” and “Don’t you even have a DAD?” Meanwhile, men on X are calling me “FemPay Karen” and “Redistribution Queen” (compliments, obviously). It’s exhausting. Between cancel culture and these deranged trolls, who has time to Adult™?

That’s why I’ve launched a GoFundMe titled “Legal Fees & Hot Flashes: Fighting Men Who Can’t Handle Financial Accountability.” Every dollar you donate will help me:

Hire a lawyer to threaten Visa and Mastercard some more.

Buy more Xanax to handle the constant threats from men who think “slut-shaming” is a viable argument.

Fund my new project: A house. I deserve it. It’s going to be a safe space for women. And by women, I mean me and my housekeepers.

So please, chip in what you can. Even $5 will teach these misogynists a lesson in solidarity! And if you’re skeptical, just wait—soon they’ll be crying into their last Bud Light about how unfair it is that women get to control the money they earned while mansplaining Excel formulas.

Stay woke, stay broke, and remember: The only thing men fear more than a female-dominated economy is a Karen with a GoFundMe.