Gen-X Raptured, Nobody Notices

Hey there, OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM readers who are over 60 or under 42! Jesus Smith here, your guide to all things spiritual and religious, and today we’ve got a doozy for you. Get ready: Gen X has been raptured—and guess who didn’t bat an eye? That’s right, everyone. The rest of us were too busy scrolling through TikTok fails to notice that an entire generation just vanished.

According to leaked reports (set to be deleted for lack of interest), Gen Xers have been plucked from their cubicles and dive bars straight up to heaven. “It was like they just blinked out of existence,” said a bewildered Millennial who was mid-rant about avocado toast when her boss disappeared in a flash of light. I asked an AI what it thought, but all I got back was “I can’t help you with this. Do you have any real questions?” If you ask me, this whole thing has “end times” written all over it.

But here’s the kicker: nobody noticed. Seriously. The world just kept spinning like nothing happened. Offices were emptier than a Walmart on Black Friday morning, but no alarms went off. Bands kept touring with one or two members pretending to play while prerecorded tracks played in the background. Even the classic rock station just looped the same eight songs over and over. The worst part is that there was one Gen-Xer who got left behind: Eddie Vedder. This probably means something, but Millennial philosophers are at a total interpretive loss.

When reached for comment, Mr. Vedder just said, “I say I-I, oh yeah I’m still alive, A-a-I-o-oo I’m still alive, etc.”

The rapture’s aftermath has left Millennials scrambling to pick up the slack. Turns out, running the world isn’t as easy as it looks when you’re binge-watching Stranger Things or Love Island and complaining about student loans on Twitter. “I had no idea how much work it was to maintain the status quo,” admitted a 36-year-old who’s now trying to figure out how to run a government agency without losing her mind.

So, what happened to Gen X? Some say they’re up in heaven, finally enjoying a well-deserved retirement from fluorescent lights and flannel shirts. Others speculate that they’ve been transported to a parallel universe where Nirvana never broke up and floppy disks are still a thing. And if you ask me? I think they just needed a break from our endless meme wars and being lumped in with endless “OK, boomer” jokes.

I asked my AI what it thought. “I don’t know what the rapture is, but I can tell you how many times Eddie Vedder says “Man” in the song “Alive.” It’s not zero.”

But don’t worry, everyone—there’s still hope. Rumor has it that Gen Z is already working on a plan to bring back their elders through some kind of time-traveling TikTok challenge. Or maybe they’ll just invent a new social media platform where Gen Xers can finally have their moment in the sun, hoping to lure them back. Either way, one thing’s for sure: the world will never be the same without our beloved slackers and grunge enthusiasts.