Are You Making These 5 Classic Money Mistakes? Probably. Find Out Here.

Let’s be real for a sec: If you’re not rolling in dough right now, chances are you’ve made *some* money mistakes along the way. And by “mistakes,” I mean things like… idk, having morals or being born into a family that isn’t filthy rich. (You know, the usual.) So buckle up, folks—we’re about to drop some hard truths about where you went wrong in life.

Mistake #1: Not Being Born Rich

Okay, this one’s obvious, and I’ve talked about it at length so I’ll keep this short. If your parents didn’t hand you a trust fund at birth, congratulations—you’ve already failed at Money 101. Sure, some people try to “work their way up,” but let’s be honest: That’s just a sad fantasy. The real path to wealth? Inheriting it. Sorry, not sorry.

Mistake #2: Having Morals

Who even has time for morals anymore? If you’re turning down shady deals or refusing to exploit people because of some outdated sense of decency… well, you might as well just hand over your paycheck now. The richest among us (and by “us,” I mean me) know that morality is overrated. Profit first, conscience never.

Mistake #3: Giving to Charity

Charity schmarity. If you’ve been donating even a single dollar to anything other than your own bank account, you’re basically throwing money down the drain. (Unless it’s one of those very exclusive charities where the rich just move their wealth around in fancy ways—then go ahead and pat yourself on the back.) This is especially true if you’re the head of a Vtuber agency and you have 500k earmarked for charity just sitting there in your bank account, waiting to be donated. Have you considered…stealing the money instead? You are your own charity, after all.

Mistake #4: Not Buying Luxury Brands

Listen up, budget shoppers: If you’re not spending your paychecks on designer everything, you’re missing out. A $20 t-shirt? Cute, but also a clear sign that you don’t understand how money *works*. Real wealth is all about flaunting it—even if you have to take out loans to do it.

Mistake #5: Betting on Bum Fights

Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever gotten rich off betting on homeless people fighting. I know it seems like an easy score, but trust me. I have seen some things I can’t unsee. Stick to stocks, baby—unless you’ve got a very specific side hustle going on.

So there you have it: Five money mistakes that are probably ruining your life right now. Don’t worry—if you can’t fix them, just remember what I always say: “If you’re not rich yet, you’re doing something wrong.” (And by “something,” I mean being born into a family of broke losers.) Good luck out there, peasants!