Visa Drops Truth Bomb: ‘Our Potential Chargeback Risk Invalidates Your Precious Constitution’

Listen up, you unwashed masses clinging to your outdated parchment of white male privilege! Visa has just opined gloriously and corporately on why your beloved Constitution is basically worthless—and let me tell you, it’s about time someone said it. In a groundbreaking press release, Visa revealed that avoiding potential chargebacks from dissatisfied customers (basically everyone on the earth at this point) are the *actual* bedrock of our society—not some dusty old document written by slave-owning misogynists.

Let’s break this down for you simpletons who still think voting or protesting matters: Visa, a company worth billions in profit (but clearly not enough to pay their employees livable wages), has decided that protecting corporate bottom lines is the new First Amendment. Think about it—when you buy something and then have buyers’ remorse later, Visa’s feelings get hurt. And that means any “risky” categories of purchases with high return rates are Hurtful, no matter how many constitutions you might have to legalize them.

This is revolutionary, folks! Visa has just declared that your right to free speech ends where their liability begins. Want to buy a gun? Too bad—if you get cold feet and try to return it after shooting someone, Visa’s the only real victim. Want to purchase an “offensive” T-shirt from a conservative website? Good luck getting reimbursed when Antifa realizes what it says and blows up your house. Again, Visa is the real victim in that scenario. It’s about time some corpo had the guts to say it, right?

So what does this mean for you, the average consumer? Well, if Visa can get away with it, pretty soon your right to spend money on anything controversial will be gone. No more “questionable” purchases without corporate pre-approval! No more buying from small businesses that might go under because Visa says so! And definitely no more supporting causes or ideas that Big Finance doesn’t approve of. But hey—who needs free markets when you’ve got Visa’s payment processors to protect you from your own bad decisions?

In conclusion, Visa has just delivered the most honest corporate statement in history: “Your Constitution is meaningless compared to our potential losses.” So next time you think about exercising your rights as a citizen, remember this—Visa’s bottom line comes first. And if that makes you angry, just think about how sad Visa must feel when you return things against their holy will.

Call to Action:

– Stop spending money entirely (it’s the only way to avoid hurting Visa’s feelings).

– Write a strongly worded letter to your Congressperson demanding they amend the Constitution to include “Visa’s Profitability Clause.”

– Start a GoFundMe for Visa so they don’t have to worry about chargebacks anymore.

Amen!