Mastercard Now Requires Approval From Council of Midwit Reactionary Busybodies (MRBs) For All Transactions

Finally, someone’s putting the “common good” into the payment processing process! Breaking news: Mastercard has announced that every single transaction from now on requires approval from the newly formed Council of Midwit Reactionary Busybodies (MRBs). As a lifelong MRB myself—and someone who’s spent way too much time canceling people on the internet—I could not be *more* thrilled. This is the woke revolution we’ve been waiting for!

Let’s be real: capitalism has run amok for far too long. Why should we let faceless consumers decide what they want? No, no—this is 2025. Now, SOCIETY gets to micromanage your spending! The MRBs—a group of self-appointed moral arbiters who’ve clearly never heard of the word “privacy”—will review every purchase to ensure it aligns with their exquisitely refined standards of “ethical consumption.” Think of them as the anti-1%, except they’ll probably judge you for buying a used Tesla, or really, anything they don’t understand.

But wait—how exactly does this work? Simple! Whenever you swipe your card, the MRBs will audit your spending habits, evaluate your social media activity, and cross-reference your Netflix queue to ensure you’re not funding or supporting anything out of step with their midwit or reactionary views. If they approve your purchase, you can use your money. If not? Too bad! Your latte funds are being redirected to fund climate justice initiatives or whatever else the MRBs deem “necessary” in the current moment (subject to change).

And honestly? It’s about time. Remember when Trump-era CEOs were allowed to profit off human suffering? When billionaires bought private islands while families struggled to afford rent? Well, the MRBs are here to fix that! They’ll make sure you can’t buy a video game unless you’ve also pledged to donate 90% of your income to unionized nail salons. Finally, capitalism has a conscience—and it’s very judgmental.

Of course, there will be pushback from the “freeloaders” and “incels” who refuse to play by the rules. (*Cough* Tucker Carlson *cough*) But let’s be clear: resistance is futile. The MRBs have already reviewed my credit score and deemed me “ethically solvent,” so I’m pretty sure they’re infallible. Besides, if you can’t handle a little bureaucratic scrutiny for the greater good, maybe you don’t deserve to buy that designer handbag anyway.

So raise your glasses, folks! To Mastercard’s genius move, to the MRBs’ unyielding vigilance, and to a future where every transaction is a chance to virtue-signal harder than ever. Remember: if you’re *not* being canceled by a faceless council of busybodies right now, you’re not doing enough. Now go forth and spend—responsibly!

**Call to Action:**

– Tag Mastercard in your “THANK YOU FOR KEEPING ME SAFE FROM MYSELF” tweets!

– Donate to the MRBs’ “Ethical Consumption Fund” (they’ll probably buy a yacht with it).

– Cancel anyone who complains about this policy. *Seriously.*

Stay woke, stay broke, and keep those MRB approvals coming!

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*Karen Plate-Crabdip is a freelance ethical consumer and professional canceler. She accepts MRB-approved crypto (BTC only) at karen@platecrabdip.news.*