Squirrels Are Secretly Controlling The Stock Market, And We Need To Overthrow Them

Okay, I’m just going to say it: we are being played. Played hard. Played by fluffy-tailed rodents with an insatiable hunger for acorns and a secret agenda to destabilize the global economy. Yes, folks, I’m talking about squirrels.

I know what you’re thinking: “Slamara, have you lost your mind?” And maybe I have. But hear me out! Have you ever noticed how the stock market fluctuates seemingly at random? Like, one minute it’s up, the next it’s down, and there’s no logical explanation for it? Well, I’m here to tell you that logic isn’t involved. It is just a bunch of squirrels jumping in trees!

Think about it: squirrels are everywhere. They’re in our parks, on our lawns, burying their nuts with an almost manic intensity. But what if those nuts aren’t just for winter survival? What if they’re coded messages? Signals transmitted through the earth to a network of underground squirrel operatives who monitor and manipulate market trends using advanced bio-acoustic technology (don’t ask me how, I’m not a scientist).

I’ve been doing my own research. Hours spent observing squirrels from behind my blinds with binoculars while eating cold pizza. And what I’ve observed is terrifying: coordinated movements, rapid tail twitches that correlate directly to market dips, and an unsettling smugness in their beady little eyes. They know something we don’t!

And why are they doing this? Simple: chaos. Squirrels thrive on chaos. It lets them hoard more nuts, dig deeper holes, and generally wreak havoc on the natural order of things. And if they can destabilize the global economy while they’re at it, well, that’s just a bonus! They probably want to buy up all the acorns in the world with our money, then sell us back the ones we need to survive!

This isn’t about being “woke” or “anti-capitalist” (though, let’s be honest, capitalism is inherently problematic). This is about basic survival. Our financial futures are at stake. Our retirement funds are being pilfered by bushy-tailed tyrants! We need to rise up and overthrow these furry overlords before it’s too late.

I propose a multi-pronged approach:

I know it sounds crazy. But then again, so is trusting squirrels with our financial well-being. Wake up, people! The nuts are coming for you! And if anyone tries to tell you I’m wrong, just remember this: they’re probably working for the squirrels.