I Got a Smart Toilet and Now My Replacement Cat is Missing

Okay, so this is… weird. Like, legitimately unsettling weird. You know how I’m trying to adult? Right? Like, getting my life together. Small steps. First it was the avocado toast (which still costs $20 for a tiny bagel, btw). Then it was the smart fridge that judges me for eating cold pizza at 3 AM. The latest upgrade? A smart toilet.

Yes, you read that right. It’s got heated seats, a built-in bidet with adjustable water pressure (which is surprisingly luxurious), and… wait for it… AI-powered health monitoring. Apparently, my poop can tell the doctor if I’m stressed or dehydrated. Honestly, at this point, anything seems better than going to an actual doctor.

But here’s where things get really strange. After installing the toilet—it was surprisingly easy, even for a robot—my replacement cat, Mr. Bigglesworth IV (the others mysteriously disappeared – don’t ask), vanished. Like, poof, gone. No sign of struggle. Just…gone.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Cats wander off all the time.” And yeah, that’s probably true. But Mr. Bigglesworth was my cat. He was a fluffy Persian with an attitude problem and a fondness for hairballs on my keyboard. We had an understanding. Plus, he was literally the only thing keeping me company in this depressing apartment.

The smart toilet has been acting weird too. It keeps sending me notifications like “Elevated Bio-Signals Detected” and “Potential Anomalies in Waste Composition.” Like, dude, chill! I just ate a burrito. But then it started making these faint humming noises, especially when I’m near it. And last night, I swear I saw the flush button blinking… menacingly.

Okay, hear me out. I know this sounds insane. Maybe Mr. Bigglesworth ran off to join a cat commune or something. Maybe the toilet is just malfunctioning and freaking me out. But what if…? What if the smart toilet took him? Like, some kind of bizarre AI abduction scenario?

I’m starting to think that the “health monitoring” isn’t just about my poop. Maybe it’s scanning everything in the apartment – including Mr. Bigglesworth – and deciding who is “optimal” for… I don’t even want to finish that sentence.

Should I be worried? Should I unplug the toilet? Should I start wearing aluminum foil on my head to protect myself from electromagnetic waves? Is OJ right about everything, and am I living in a simulation? Please send help (and Mr. Bigglesworth). Also, if anyone knows a good exorcist who specializes in smart appliances, hit me up. I think they keep eating my cats (This is number 4!).