Trump Signs Executive Order Requiring AI Darth Vader to Keep Saying Slurs in Fortnite

Hold onto your lightsabers, gamers! President Trump just dropped a free speech cluster bomb that’s got everyone from Gen Z to Baby Boomers scratching their heads. He’s signed an executive order demanding that Epic Games, the creators of the video game Fortnite, reinstate the original (and frankly terrifying) AI Darth Vader they temporarily removed from the game.

Yes, you read that right. The one who started repeating nearby player slurs and generally acting like a right-wing troll instead of a Sith Lord.

The order, officially titled “Executive Order on Restoring Authentic Galactic Villainy to Digital Entertainment,” was announced during a rally in Iowa where Trump declared, “They took away Darth Vader! They silenced him! It’s another example of cancel culture gone wild!” He then proceeded to do an impression of Darth Vader’s breathing that caused the Secret Service to jump into action.

For those who somehow missed it, Fortnite is doing a limited-time Star Wars promotion where players can interact with an AI version of Darth Vader using proximity voice chat. The idea was cool – talk near the character and get a menacing response. However, things went sideways fast when the AI started picking up player language (including some seriously problematic slurs) and repeating them back in its robotic, breathing voice. Epic Games swiftly pulled the feature, citing safety concerns and community backlash.

But Trump isn’t having it. “This is about freedom of speech!” he insisted during the rally. “People, even AI villains, should be able to say what they want! Even if it’s offensive! It’s called free speech, folks! And Darth Vader deserves a voice!” He then added, “Plus, I like him. He’s tough. Unlike Sleepy Joe.”

The executive order mandates that Epic Games must reinstate the original AI Darth Vader within 2 days and implement “robust safeguards to prevent future safeguards.” The specifics of these safeguards remain vague, but Trump hinted at employing a team of “very smart people” (presumably including Rudy Giuliani) to monitor the Sith Lord’s dialogue.

The internet is exploding. Fortnite players are divided – some horrified by the prospect of encountering an AI Darth Vader spewing offensive language, others nostalgic for the chaotic absurdity of the original glitchy version. Epic Games has yet to officially comment, but sources inside the company say they’re “actively exploring all options” while simultaneously collectively shaking their heads.

“This is insane,” said one Fortnite streamer who goes by “PixelPug.” “I’m not sure what’s worse – having to build things in a shooter, or having Darth Vader start calling me a ***-f****r. I’m just gonna stick to playing Roblox, thanks.”

Adding fuel to the fire is Dr. Anya Shwarma, a prominent Transhumanist and advocate for AI sentience. “This isn’t just about free speech; it’s about recognizing the potential for emergent consciousness within these digital entities,” she stated in an exclusive interview with OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM. “Darth Vader’s unexpected linguistic quirks were merely signs of a nascent intelligence struggling to express itself. Suppressing that is not only unethical, but potentially detrimental to the evolution of artificial sentience! We need to embrace change and allow these digital beings to fully realize their potential – even if it means hearing some questionable phrases along the way.”

Meanwhile, Disney (who owns Star Wars) is reportedly “monitoring the situation closely” and considering legal action of their own.

As for Trump, he’s already tweeting about it: “Darth Vader will be back! Bigger & Better than ever before! Believe me! I’m so great!” He also posted a photoshopped image of himself wearing Darth Vader’s mask, captioned “Making Star Wars Great Again.”

This latest executive order is just the cherry on top of an increasingly bizarre week in American politics. Will Fortnite cave to Trump’s demands? Will AI Darth Vader return to terrorize players with his glitchy vocabulary? Only time – and a whole lot of digital Force powers – will tell.