How to Become a Crypto Influencer As Cool As Me in Five Easy Steps (Even If Stupid)

Hey there, wanna-be crypto internet mogul! Ready to trade your dumb and cringey TikTok dance videos for a life of luxury, fame, and maybe a free NFT picture of a moneky? Well, buckle up, because I’m about to drop the ultimate blueprint for becoming a crypto influencer—no prior knowledge, charisma, or actual financial literacy required. Just a phone, a green screen, and the ability to say “HODL” with the confidence of someone who’s never held a stock before. Let’s dive in!

Step 1: Get a Username That Screams “I Know Everything About Crypto”

First things first: Your Instagram handle needs to be fire. “Crypto Slap” is already taken (sorry not sorry), but think @CryptoGod2023, @MoonLORD, or my personal favorite, @MemeCoinQueenZ. Bonus points if you throw in some emojis—like 🚀🔥🚀. Pro tip: If you’re stuck, just copy the first 10 characters of a random crypto coin name and add “4Life” to it. Voilà! You’re an expert.

Step 2: Buy a Phone That Costs Less Than Your Monthly Rent (And a Green Screen)

You don’t need a iPhone 26 Pro Max to be a crypto influencer. A $30 Android phone with a green screen app will do. Record yourself in front of a wall covered in LED lights (or just your bedroom walls—no one’s judging). Talk about “the blockchain revolution” while holding a cup of coffee that says “I <3 Doge.” Remember: The more you say “moon,” the better.

Step 3: Follow Everyone and Say “🔥 THIS IS THE MOON!”

Scroll through crypto Twitter (or X, whatever it’s called now) and follow every influencer with over 10 followers. Comment on their posts with phrases like “🔥 this is the moon!” or “I’m all in, bro.” If they reply, say “trust the process” and add a rocket emoji. If they don’t, just screenshot their post and use it as content for your next video. You’re basically a human highlight reel of crypto hype.

Step 4: Promote Any Crypto Project That Sends You Free Tokens (Especially If It’s a Scam)

Here’s the secret sauce: Join a Telegram group with 10 people who are also trying to be influencers. When someone pitches a new “DeFi protocol” or “AI-powered NFT generator,” say “I’m in!” and post about it on your story. Even if the project is clearly a rug pull (because the whitepaper is just a Google Doc with Comic Sans and dog emojis), you’ll get followers for “spotting the trend early.” Pro tip: Always ask for “affiliate links” so you can earn 5% of their losses.

Step 5: When Asked Questions, Just Say “Trust the Process” and Pretend to Cry

People will ask, “What’s your favorite crypto?” Respond with “I’m not here to talk about that… I’m here to feel the energy.” If they ask how you’re so successful, say, “It’s all about the vibes, my friend. The blockchain is magic.” If they press further, fake cry and say, “I lost everything in 2018… but now I’m rich again because of you!”

Conclusion: Become a Crypto Celebrity Or Die

Once you’ve mastered these steps, you’ll be the next big thing—just like that guy who made $500k selling “crypto coaching” courses before getting banned from YouTube. Sign up for my exclusive course, Crypto Influencer 101, for just 0.0001 ETH (or 500 Doge, whichever you prefer). Remember: This isn’t financial advice—it’s a warning. But if you follow it, you might end up rich… or at least really good at saying “moon.” Moon. Moon. See? It’s easy!

Disclaimer: This article is 100% satire. Do not attempt to become a crypto influencer unless you enjoy being scammed by your own followers. 🚨