Trump Signs Executive Order Requiring Theater Kids to Stop Acting So Weird
Ok but define “weird”
If you have theater kids at your office they are probably doing this.
Listen up, folks! President Trump just dropped a bombshell that’s got everyone talking (and probably dramatically overacting about it). He’s signed an executive order targeting…theater kids. Yes, those theater kids. The ones with the dramatic pauses, the questionable fashion choices, and the uncanny ability to cry on command.
The new order, officially titled “Executive Order on Restoring Decency and Normalcy to Dramatic Arts,” mandates that all individuals involved in theatrical productions – actors, stage managers, costume designers, even those weird lighting guys – must cease “excessive emoting” and “unnecessary theatrics.” Basically, Trump wants theater kids to chill.
“These kids are getting out of control,” Trump declared during a press conference where he repeatedly gestured wildly with his hands. “They’re walking around like they’re Shakespeare! They’re quoting lines from Hamilton in the grocery store! It’s embarrassing, frankly. We need to bring back some normalcy.”
The order outlines specific offenses that will result in fines and potential jail time (though legal experts are already questioning its constitutionality). These include: dramatic monologues in public spaces, excessive use of hand gestures, wearing all black clothing at all times, being David Hogg, and – get this – making eye contact for longer than three seconds.
“We’re not saying they can’t act,” clarified White House Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt. “Just…tone it down a bit. Maybe stick to community theater productions of Oklahoma, and stay out of politics!”
The response has been, predictably, chaotic. Theater departments across the country are in crisis mode, with students staging protests (complete with interpretive dance and dramatic readings) against the order. Broadway is reportedly on lockdown, with actors hiding in their dressing rooms practicing “subtle emotional restraint.”
One particularly vocal critic is Lin-Manuel Miranda, who tweeted a single, devastatingly sarcastic emoji: 🎭.
Meanwhile, Trump has doubled down, tweeting, “Theater kids are ruining America! Sad!” and promising to appoint a panel of “real Americans” (presumably people who have never seen Wicked) to oversee the implementation of the order.
The future of theater in America remains uncertain. Will this executive order stifle creativity and artistic expression? Or will it simply force theater kids to find new, even more bizarre ways to express themselves? Only time – and a whole lot of dramatic irony – will tell. Stay tuned, folks! This is gonna be good…or at least, very, very stupid like everything else.
