Trump Signs Executive Order Declaring Himself Pope

In a move that has left the Vatican in stunned silence and the Catholic Church scrambling for a new prayer, President Donald J. Trump has signed an executive order declaring himself the new Pope – “Pope Trumpus I,” to be exact. The order, titled “Executive Order on Becoming the Supreme Pontiff of the Holy See,” was announced during a press conference held in the Oval Office, where Trump declared, “I’ve always been the best at everything, including being Pope. The old Pope? Dead. Gone. Not relevant. I’m the only one who can fix the Church. Everyone knows that.”

According to the executive order, Trump will assume all papal duties immediately, including leading the Vatican, canonizing saints (Barron would be first in line), and issuing encyclicals on topics ranging from “making America great again” to “how to properly wear a pope hat when you have a lot of hair.” His new papal name, Pope Trumpus I, was chosen for its “strong, confident, and slightly confusing” vibe, per a White House spokesperson who added, “It’s very symbolic. It means ‘Trump’ but also ‘pompous’—which is totally accurate, and also Biblical.”

The new Pope’s first act? Banning global warming again, but this time with the authority of the Church. “We’re going to stop the climate in its tracks,” Trump said, waving a Bible in one hand and a red MAGA cap in the other. “And we’re going to do it by burning more coal, because that’s what the Bible says. Also, I’m going to require all Catholics to wear pants to Mass, even if they’re only there for the wine.”

The Vatican has yet to respond, though Cardinal Pietro Parolin, the Vatican Secretary of State, was spotted muttering, “This is not how canon law works,” while eating a croissant. Meanwhile, the Holy See has reportedly entered emergency meetings to determine whether to formally recognize Trump as the new Pope or simply issue a statement saying, “No” in 127 different languages.

World leaders have reacted with equal parts confusion and sarcasm. Canadian Premier Mark Carney called the move “a theological catastrophe,” while the ghost of Pope Francis (if he’s still alive, which no one can confirm) was allegedly seen haunting the White House and raiding Trump’s Executive Pen Stash.

Trump, ever the showman, has already hinted at future papal decrees, including a ban on “fake news” in the Church, a requirement that all bishops wear ties, and a plan to rename the Sistine Chapel “The Trumpistine Chapel.” When asked about the logistics of moving to Rome, Trump replied, “I’ll build a wall around the Vatican. It’ll be beautiful. Also, I’ll take the Pope’s jet. It’s bigger than mine.”

As for the Catholic faithful? Well, they’ve been advised to pray for clarity—or at least to wear pants.