Go Back to Russia, Woke Fantastic Four!

Hey, Marvel fans (the *real* ones, not the ones who think “fluidity” is a superhero power), gather ‘round as Another A-Hole Gamer comes to shred this new Fantastic Four dumpster fire before it even hits theaters. Prepare your popcorn and your eye-rolls because Disney’s latest money-grab is here to ruin another classic with its toxic brand of “woke-ism.”

First off, let’s talk about the big shocker: they’re turning the Silver Surfer into a **woman**. Because nothing says “epic space god” like giving up his cool surfboard and cosmic aura for a pink haircut and a feminist manifesto about Galactus and how misogynist he is. Congrats, Marvel—you’ve successfully turned one of comics’ most iconic antiheroes into a TikTok trend. Meanwhile, Johnny Storm isn’t just a human torch anymore—he’s some kind of identity-politics crusader who probably spends more time tweeting about “white privilege” than lighting up the solar system. Woke Johnny sounds like a midlife-crisis Uber driver who thinks he’s Chad.

And don’t even get me started on Sue Storm. They’re retooling her from a badass genius into… what, exactly? A “not-that-hot” feminist icon who’ll spend half the movie womansplaining climate change to aliens? The trailers already show her looking like she stepped out of a Sephora commercial, all “strong and empowered” while staring blankly at a CGI explosion. I miss when she was just a hot scientist who could have babies and lift Thor’s hammer with her mind. Now she’s probably gonna lecture Reed about his “toxic masculinity” while wearing yoga pants. *Pass.*

The plot itself sounds like a college term paper: “How to Make Sure Everyone Hates This Movie.” Instead of battling villains, the FF will be busy tokenizing every marginalized group on Earth while Silver Surfer Girl waves her CGI hands and cries about systemic oppression. Meanwhile, Reed Richards is probably just apologizing for existing in a corner somewhere. Well, that part’s good actually. He should be apologizing for the last Fantasic Four movies. Those sucked, too – but al least they weren’t woke.

Honestly, this movie feels like Marvel’s cry for help. They’ve lost touch with actual fans and are now pandering to the same snowflakes who think “inclusivity” means erasing everything we loved about these characters. If you want a Fantastic Four story, go read the comics – the ones from 1960s when they actually fought monsters, not each other’s insecurities*.

So here’s my two cents: boycott this trash, stream the old cartoons instead, and keep your wallets (and sanity) safe. If Marvel thinks shoving woke agendas down our throats will make us buy tickets, they’ve got another thing coming. The real heroes are the ones who’ll skip this and stick to games that don’t force-feed us political propaganda.

**Final Verdict:** 0/10—would rather eat a radioactive spider than watch this.

*P.S. If you still think Marvel knows what they’re doing, go ahead and cry about it in the comments. I dare you.*\

(PayPal donations for people who agree with me are in the bio.)

Editor’s Note: There is neither a comment section nor a “bio” – OJ