Insisting I Use ‘Literally’ Correctly is Literally Genocide

I don’t know about you, but I’m sick and tired of people telling me how to live my life. And I’m especially sick and tired of people telling me how to use the word “literally.” It’s my life, it’s my vocabulary, and if I want to say that I “literally died” when I saw a cute puppy on Instagram, then that’s my prerogative. But apparently, some people out there think they have the right to police my language and tell me what words mean. And let me tell you, it’s getting old. It’s literally genocide.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Slamara, ‘literally’ means ‘actually,’ not ‘figuratively.’ How can you just throw that word around willy-nilly?” Well, let me tell you something: I’m not just throwing it around, I’m using it to express the depths of my emotions. When I say that a new episode of “The Bachelor” has me “literally shaking,” it’s because I’m so invested in the dramatic love lives of complete strangers that my body is physically reacting. And when I say that my friend’s new haircut makes her “literally look like a Disney princess,” it’s because she is so beautiful that she might as well be animated.

But apparently, some people out there don’t appreciate the nuance and artistry of my language. They just want to tell me that I’m wrong. They want to correct me and make me feel bad about myself for not using words “properly.” Well, let me tell you something, Mr. or Mrs. Grammar Police: I don’t need your validation. I know what I mean when I say things, and if you can’t understand that, then that’s your problem.

You know who else insisted on a strict attention to grammar? Nazis.

You know who else insisted on a strict attention to grammar? Nazis. They were obsessed with the “purity” of language, and they used that obsession as an excuse to oppress and murder millions of people. And let me tell you, I’m not about to let anyone tell me how to use words, especially when it comes to expressing my feelings.

So, next time you feel the urge to correct someone’s use of “literally,” think twice. Because you might just be contributing to a culture of linguistic oppression that has led to some of the worst atrocities in human history. And I, for one, will not stand for it.

The truth is, there are more important things in this world than getting upset over someone’s use of hyperbole or exaggeration. There are people starving, there are wars being fought, and there are injustices happening every single day. But instead of focusing on those issues, some people out there would rather spend their time worrying about whether someone used a word “correctly” or not. It’s ridiculous, it’s petty, and it’s literally genocide. Stop genociding me!

I think I just invented a new word…