Without the Dept. of Education, Who Will Teach Kids the Correct People to Hate?

As a concerned citizen and self-proclaimed expert on everything, I must say that Donald Trump’s latest plan to dismantle the Department of Education has sent shockwaves through the halls of academia, woke Twitter, and my own personal sense of moral superiority. It’s almost as if he’s trying to dismantle the very fabric of our society—by taking away our ability to teach children how to hate properly.

Think about it: without federal guidelines, who will tell teachers which oppressors to focus on each month? Will we even know when it’s appropriate to cancel someone for using the wrong pronouns? And what about the crucial lesson plans that explain why capitalism is evil but communism is just “misunderstood”? Without the DOE, how will our children learn to identify the correct scapegoats for every societal ill?

Let’s face it: hating is a skill, and like any skill, it requires practice. If we leave it up to local schools or (God forbid) parents to decide who their kids should despise, we’ll end up with a generation of confused, uninformed little snowflakes who might actually start thinking for themselves! And where would that lead? To logic? To nuance? To the horror of horrors—blaming affluent Neoliberal suburban “Karens” for their problems?

No, no, no. We need a central authority to dictate the approved list of enemies. Because if we don’t have that, how will our children ever learn to channel their rage into productive activism? How will they know which hashtags to use in their TikTok videos? And most importantly, without federal oversight, who’s going to make sure that every school district is using the latest woke jargon and cancel culture tactics?

I mean, just imagine a world where kids aren’t taught to loathe white men from day one. It’s terrifying. They might start asking questions like, “Why do we need critical race theory?” or “Is it possible that some people actually want to work hard for their success?” And then what? Anarchy? President Andrew Tate? Or just me having to give up the 5000 square foot house I live in with my two cats? I. Will. Never.

So, to all the educators out there: don’t lose hope. Fight back! Organize protests, boycott standardized tests, and demand that your students’ minds be properly colonized by progressive ideology. And to the rest of you—yes, even those of you who still think Trump’s a fascist (spoiler alert: he is)—remember: if we don’t teach our kids how to hate correctly, they’ll never understand the true meaning of social justice.

Stay woke, folks. Stay angry. Stay radical. And most importantly… stay funded by your trust fund parents’ money while you virtue signal on TikTok.