Snow White: Flop or Secret Masterpiece?

Oh my gosh, y’all. I just saw the new live-action adaptation of Snow White and I’m honestly shaking. Like, not even in a bad way—more like the “my whole life has been leading up to this moment” kind of shake. Let me start by saying: if you’re one of those people who still thinks Disney’s live-action remakes are just cash grabs, you’re doing it wrong. And if you’re one of the few who dared to call this movie a “flop,” I’m here to tell you: you’ve got some serious issues with your taste in movies, my dude. You’re probably a white male anyway, so who cares what you think about the new CGI classics?

First of all, let’s talk about Rachel Zegler. You know how people say things like “she’s a once-in-a-lifetime talent” or “she’s going to be a superstar”? Yeah, they’re right. This girl is a freaking wizard. She’s not just singing; she’s channeling the spirit of every Disney princess who came before her and then some. And don’t even get me started on Gal Gadot as the Evil Queen. I know, I know, she’s Wonder Woman, but honey—she’s also a villain goddess. That scene where she’s monologuing about her vanity? Iconic. Like, “I’d rather be feared than loved”? Please, give me that scripture on a throw pillow.

Now, I get it. Some people are crying about the box office numbers. But let’s be real—who cares if it didn’t make a billion dollars? This movie isn’t about profits; it’s about art. It’s about taking a classic tale and making it fresh, modern, and way more woke than the original. (Pro tip: if you’re one of those people who thinks “woke” is a bad word, you’re the real flop here.)

And the cinematography! Oh. My. Gosh. The scene where Snow White is walking through the forest, and the lighting hits her just so, and you can practically hear the angels singing? Pure magic. Plus, the CGI dwarfs are all queer-coded now, which is like… the best thing that’s happened to Disney since Elsa came out. (Get it? Because she’s frozen? I’m here all week, folks.)*

In conclusion, if you’re still sitting there thinking this movie is a flop, I’ve got news for you: you’re the flop. This is the kind of cinematic masterpiece that’ll be studied in film schools for years to come. It’s not just a movie—it’s a cultural event. So go ahead, keep complaining about the “epic flop” narrative. Me? I’ll be over here, streaming it on Disney+ for the 17th time, crying into my “Once Upon a Time in Hollywood” popcorn bowl.

P.S. If you haven’t bought your tickets yet, what’s wrong with you? Get your life together.

* Editor’s note: I don’t get this joke either – OJ