The Shocking Truth About Apples: How Boomers Ruined Them, and What Happens Next
What even is a cosmic crisp anyway?
Let’s get real for a second: boomers didn’t just ruin everything by complaining about TikTok and not selling their homes. Nope, they also took something as simple as apples and turned them into a whole cultural phenomenon of overpriced, pretentious fruit. Remember when an apple was just…an apple? You know, the crunchy red thing you ate after school because it was cheap and didn’t come with a $12 price tag? Ah, those were the days.
But now we’re stuck with “honey crisp,” “cosmic crisp,” and “snapdragon” apples. What the hell is a snapdragon apple, anyway? Is it supposed to shoot fireballs at your taste buds? No, it’s just an apple that costs three times as much because someone thought adding “-dragon” to the end of its name made it fancy. Thanks a lot, boomers! You turned a humble fruit into a status symbol, and now we’re all expected to care about “terroir” and “flavor profiles.” Ugh.
But here’s where things get wild: tech bros have entered the chat. That’s right, those same people who brought you NFTs of pixelated monkeys and Dogecoin are now trying to disrupt the apple industry. They want to put apples on the blockchain. Not just any apples—these are “smart apples.” You know, like the kind that track their journey from tree to your mouth via a cryptic ledger system. Because obviously, the only way to truly appreciate an apple is by knowing its entire life story down to the microsecond it was picked.
The pitch goes something like this: “Imagine biting into a honeycrisp and knowing exactly which blockchain node verified its organic certification!” Whoop-de-doo! Meanwhile, your dentist is probably already crying into their Apple Cider Vinegar because you can’t afford actual dental care anymore. But hey, at least your apple has a crypto pedigree! I guess there’s something to be said for knowing exactly what you eat. But apples? Come on.
So where does this all go? Well, if history is any indication, these blockchain apples will either: (A) become the next big thing among people who think “decentralized agriculture” sounds cool, or (B) crash and burn harder than a Bitcoin miner’s dreams when the electricity bill arrives. Either way, we can all look forward to future headlines like: “Tech Bros Apologize for Blockchain Apples After They Grow Colder Than Crypto Winter.” Stay tuned, folks. The future of fruit is… questionable.
