We Need a Trigger Warning For Weird NCAA Tournament Hairstyles
No wonder ratings are down
Pictured: Rocson St. University superduperstar Sam "Broccoli" Wildebeast
Listen up, everyone. It’s THE JEFF, and I’ve got a bone to pick with the NCAA Tournament. Not about the games, the brackets, or the rampant corruption. Nah, I’m here to talk about something much more serious: THE HAIRSTYLES. Specifically, the ones that make my eyeballs want to escape into a safer dimension.
Literally every other player out there on the court is sporting the results of the worst hair decisions THE JEFF could ever make. Why do so many of the haircuts look like broccoli or asparagus? Why the bad beards? Who hurt these “kids” and made them get all those tattoos that just look like Jackson Pollock threw up on my flat-screen TV? Who allowed them to do this? If we can have a trigger warning that says that “some of the things in Jumanji might be too intense for kids today,” What about these hair-dos???!??
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Jeff, lighten up. It’s just a haircut.” Wrong. This is more than a haircut. This is a cry for help. A silent scream for attention, like “HEY UNIVERSE, LOOK AT ME, I’M A PRO ATHLETE WHO THINKS HE’S STILL IN COLLEGE!!!” But seriously, can we agree that some of these looks belong in a horror movie, not on ESPN? I mean, I get it, you want to stand out. But when your vegetable head is more intimidating than your slam dunk, maybe it’s time to reassess.
But wait, it gets worse. Let’s not even get started on the hair extensions. I saw one player with a ponytail that looked like he’d attached a dead raccoon to the back of his head. Another guy had a fade that made me want to reach into the TV and slap his barber. And let’s not forget about the dreadlocks—some of them look like they’ve been through a hurricane and are now using the player’s scalp as a vacation spot.
I’m all for self-expression, but come on, folks. These are college kids, not members of a 90s boy band. And yet, they’re all rocking the same “I don’t know how to adult” aesthetic. It’s like someone handed them a mirror and a pair of scissors and said, “Go nuts, kids!” And they did. Oh boy, did they ever.
So, NCAA, I’m issuing a formal request: Can we please, for the love of God, have a trigger warning for these haircuts? Maybe a little disclaimer that says, “Warning: The following player’s head may cause permanent eye damage. Viewer discretion is advised.” Or better yet, a “Do Not Try This At Home” warning. Because if I ever catch anyone’s 12-year-old trying to replicate these looks, I’m canceling his Xbox privileges for life.
Until then, I’ll be over here, clutching my popcorn and muttering to myself, “What did we do to deserve this?” while these kids play basketball and look like they’re starring in a sequel to “Hairspray” that’s somehow even worse.
