Why You Should Move to Vibes-Based Health Insurance

Let me start this piece by saying I’m a huge fan of universal basic income. We need it badly. But that’s not enough to fix our broken healthcare system. Not nearly enough. Health insurance companies have been gouging consumers and providers alike for too long, and now, finally, something is being done about it. Thanks to recent legislation passed in Congress earlier this week, the first step toward making healthcare truly affordable is underway. Soon, we’ll be able to buy policies based solely off of good vibes and feel-good affirmations rather than actual medical coverage.

It’s called vibes-based healthcare, and it’s coming to a neighborhood near you! Here’s how it works:

First, you pick your doctor. Most physicians are pretty cool these days—especially the ones that don’t suck at their jobs and aren’t total assholes—but if there’s someone who really rubs you the wrong way, then you have a whole yearbook of portraits and names to choose from. Just pick one you vibe with, and voila! New primary care physician. It’s really that easy. No more paperwork, awkward interviews, “bedside manner” (why am I in a bed?), or “establishing care.” Just vibes. Positive ones. So don’t be shy if you like cute female pediatricians named Dr. Smoochkins with blonde hair and big boobs, because they’ll definitely get booked up fast, if you get me. (winky face)

Next, you pick your insurance plan. Unlike traditional insurance, where you pay premiums every month and hope you never get sick enough to use your policy, under this new system, you simply select the coverage that fits the vibes you’re throwing out, and then let fate take its course. If you happen to break a bone while skiing, it won’t matter what kind of insurance you have—you’ll still have to pay for all of your doctor visits, hospital stays, prescription drugs, and so on. Vibes don’t change the laws of nature, just the laws of economics. Somebody still has to pay for it – but now, everyone is more chill about it. Who knew the solution to modern healthcare was to just be chill? Well, I did, but nobody asked.

This leads me into my next point: It takes away the incentive to abuse the system by turning every day into an opportunity to party. Why bother going to see a specialist when you can just dance all night long? Why not eat fast food and smoke weed when you don’t have to worry about cancer or heart disease? Instead, you go to work and focus on doing your job well, knowing that your income is safe regardless of the quality or quantity of your health or medical issues. Suddenly, you’re no longer afraid of losing your job to lay-offs or being replaced by robots, since the government will cover your expenses. Or someone will, it’s undecided. The law just says they’ll figure it out eventually. Maybe DOGE can save us so much money that the funding sources discover themselves. Those are the kinds of vibes we need right now.

Speaking of now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to run home and have a look at a few choice pics on my laptop before dinner. Stay tuned for more updates from yours truly, Sarai Hummus-Waterbiscuits! Oh, and don’t forget to subscribe to our newsletter. It’s free, and you can unsubscribe anytime. We won’t actually do anything when you try to unsubscribe, but that’s for your own good.