Trump Executive Order Moves Brooklyn to “Somewhere in Nebraska”

President Trump has signed an executive order that has sent shockwaves through the political world, and has left many New Yorkers wondering what they’ve done to deserve such treatment. The order, which has been dubbed “The Brooklyn Relocation Plan,” requires all of Brooklyn to be moved to “somewhere in Nebraska,” with the most of the rest of New York City moving to “other sparsely populated areas” soon thereafter.

Speaking at a press conference held in the Rose Garden, Trump said, “I want to make New York City great again, and I’m doing just that by moving Brooklyn to Nebraska. This is a win-win for everyone, really. New Yorkers get to experience the natural beauty and charm of the heartland, and Nebraskans get to experience the vibrant culture and diversity of New York City.”

The order also requires Mexico and Canada to “chip in” to fund the move, which, if executed, would mark the largest migration of East Coast city-dwellers since White Flight. Trump has promised that the relocation will be peaceful and efficient, and that all Brooklynites will be provided with free “Make America Great Again” t-shirts and a lifetime supply of Nebraska-grown corn on the cob.

Critics have slammed the order as a ridiculous and ineffective use of federal funds, pointing out that it does nothing to address the real issues facing New Yorkers, such as rising crime rates, housing unaffordability, and the fact that Trump is a narcissistic, power-hungry tyrant with a god complex.

But Trump remains undeterred, stating that “the New York City of yesterday is dead, and it’s dead on account of Democrat governance, it’s dead because of crime, it’s dead because of the filth, it’s dead because of the lack of police and the lack of safety.” He added, “New York City is dead, folks. This is a zombie city.” He followed the statement up with two straight minutes of zombie noises.

When asked about the order, New York City Mayor Eric “The Body” Adams stated, “This is a terrible affront to our city and its residents. New Yorkers don’t need to be relocated to Nebraska to feel at home. We are creating a city where everyone has an equal opportunity to thrive, regardless of who they are or where they come from.”

Trump was quick to dismiss Adams’ comments, saying, “That’s what they tell you when they want you not to buy this shit. But you’re going to want to buy this shit, folks. I promise. It’s the best shit, everybody will be talking about it.”

The order is expected to take effect immediately, with the federal government tasked with overseeing the relocation and ensuring that all Brooklynites are safely moved to Nebraska. Trump has also hinted that he plans to issue additional orders relocating other cities to even more remote locations, including a possible executive order requiring all coastal cities to be moved inland.

“Let me tell you, folks, we’re going to be making so many executive orders, the likes of which this country has never seen,” Trump said, before pausing for dramatic effect and looking directly at 60 Minutes correspondent Lesley Stahl, “but I’m not going to tell you what they are, okay? You’ll have to wait and see. It’s going to be huge, believe me.”

As the situation continues to unfold, many New Yorkers are left wondering what they’ve done to deserve such treatment, while others are left wondering what would happen if they were to resist the relocation. One thing is clear: under President Trump’s leadership, nothing is ever as it seems, and the American people can always expect the unexpected.