OH GREAT, SPIDERS CAN APPLY FOR JOBS NOW
AS IF WE DIDN’T HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS
Yo, it’s THE JEFF, your favorite dude on the internet, here to drop some truth webs on you about the job market. And let me tell you something: it’s about to get a whole lot hairier out there, folks. Because apparently, corporations have gone and started hiring spiders to do basic tasks. I shit you not. Spiders are now competing with us for jobs, and that is just fucked up on so many levels.
Let me break it down for you, because I know some of you are probably still scratching your heads wondering what the hell I’m talking about. See, according to sources (who shall remain anonymous because they value their lives), companies have started realizing that spiders are basically nature’s little workers. They spin webs, they catch prey, and they do all sorts of other tasks that would normally require human labor. So why not put ’em to work?
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “THE JEFF, how the hell can a spider apply for a job? Can it even fill out an application?” Well, let me tell you something. These corporate overlords have found a way to hack these creepy crawlies’ brains and make them do whatever they want. It’s like some kinda Black Mirror shit, and I don’t like it one bit.
Think about it: you go into your local grocery store, and instead of seeing a nice, friendly cashier scanning your items, you see eight-legged freaks skittering around the registers. They’ve got tiny little barcode scanners attached to their fuzzy bodies, and they’re bagging up your groceries faster than you can say “I swear I saw a spider in my bananas.”
And it’s not just grocery stores, oh no. These corporate bastards are putting spiders to work everywhere. You go into your bank, and instead of a teller, you’ve got a hairy arachnid counting out your cash. You go into the post office, and instead of a postal worker sorting through mail, you’ve got a spider with little tweezers for legs delicately picking up envelopes. It’s fucking insane.
But wait, it gets worse! Because apparently, these spiders aren’t just content with basic tasks anymore. No, no, they want to move up the corporate ladder, just like any other employee. So now we’ve got spiders applying for management positions, sitting in on board meetings, and even giving TED talks about the future of spider-human relations.
I don’t know about you, but this is where I draw the line. I mean, what’s next? Spiders running for political office? Spiders teaching our kids in school? Spiders taking over the world while we sleep? It’s a goddamn nightmare, people!
So here’s my advice to all you job seekers out there: start brushing up on your spider-related skills. Learn how to spin silk, learn how to catch flies with sticky webs, and for the love of God, don’t let them see you if you have a fear of spiders. Because those corporate bastards will exploit that weakness in a heartbeat.
And remember: if anyone asks why you’re suddenly interested in arachnid-related activities, just tell ’em THE JEFF sent ya. Because when it comes to the future of work, THE JEFF is always one step ahead of the game. Even if it means cozying up to a bunch of eight-legged freaks.
Until next time, keep an eye out for those hairy little job stealers. And may the force be with you, because you’re gonna need it in this brave new world of spider employment. THE JEFF out!
