It’s Time For The NBA to Make All Shots Three Point Shots

Holy shit, you guys. I’ve been racking my brain for weeks trying to figure out why the hell NBA ratings have been in the toilet lately, and I think I’ve finally cracked the code. Are you ready for it? Brace yourselves, because this is going to blow your goddamn minds. The NBA needs to make all shots three-pointers. No, I’m not talking about moving the three-point line back to half court (although that would be hilarious). I’m talking about getting rid of the two-point shot entirely.

Think about it, people. The modern attention span is shorter than a Kardashian marriage, and the NBA needs to adapt or die. I mean, have you seen those dumbass Elam Ending games at the G League? People are eating that crap up like it’s the second coming of Michael Jordan. And let’s be real, half the reason people watch the NBA is for the highlight reels and the crazy stats. Well, if every shot is worth three points, you better believe the highlights will be more bonkers than a three-way between Shaq, Kobe, and the entire Spice Girls.

I can already hear the traditionalists screaming bloody murder. “But Corb,” they’ll say, “you can’t just change the basic rules of basketball like that! It’s sacrilege!” To those people, I say: get a grip and get with the program, you farts. The game has already changed a thousand times since Dr. James Naismith invented it in 1891. Why stop now? And besides, isn’t this exactly what the great innovator Dr. J himself would have wanted? I mean, the dude invented the reverse dunk, for fuck’s sake. If that’s not radical, I don’t know what is.

But let’s talk numbers, because we all know that’s what really matters. If the NBA wants to stay relevant and keep those sweet, sweet TV deals, they need to start putting on a better show. And what’s more entertaining than a bunch of grown-ass men chucking up threes like their lives depend on it? Nothing, that’s what.

Imagine this: every shot is worth three points. The pace of play picks up exponentially, and defenses have to completely change their strategies. No more clogging up the paint and daring guys to shoot long twos (remember those?). No more hack-a-whatever bullshit. It’s just wide open, run-and-gun, three-point party from tip-off to final buzzer. Hell, they might as well get rid of the free throw line while they’re at it. Just let ’em play, and let the chips fall where they may.

And think about the marketing possibilities! They could rename the league the “Three Point League.” They could bring back the old ABA red, white, and blue ball and paint the three-point line in those colors. Hell, they could even bring back the ABA’s three-point stance rule, where guys had to have both feet behind the three-point line to shoot. That would be some next-level shit right there.

But most importantly, the game would be more exciting for casual fans, and that’s what the NBA needs. They need to keep those eyeballs glued to the TV and not wandering off to watch some lame-ass Netflix show or whatever the kids are into these days. And what’s more exciting than a game where every shot is worth more?

So, come on, NBA. Do the right thing. Make all shots three points. You’ll be glad you did. And if you’re not, well, there’s always the NFL, right? I hear they’re always looking for new and innovative ways to give their players brain damage. But that’s a conversation for another time.

For now, let’s just enjoy the thought of a wide-open, three-point-happy NBA. It’s a beautiful thing. Trust me, folks. Your boy Corb is on to something here. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some important business to attend to. Namely, practicing my three-point shot in my driveway. Hey, a guy’s gotta be ready for the future, right? Stay tuned, sports dorks. This is just the beginning.