Trump Executive Order Bans Unconventionally Spelled First Names
No more Millennial names, please
None of these babies are going to be named weird
In a shocking move that came completely out of left field, President Trump has signed an executive order banning unconventionally spelled first names. The order, which has been dubbed the “Name Spelling Reform Act,” is part of Trump’s plan to “make America’s names great again (MANGA)” and to “stop the spread of liberal snowflake nonsense.”
Speaking at a press conference held in the Oval Office, Trump said, “Let me tell you folks, no one knows more about names than me. I’m like, a name genius, okay? And I can tell you, these unconventional names are a disaster. They’re confusing, they’re hard to spell, and they’re just plain wrong.”
Under the executive order, any first name that is not spelled in the conventional way will be banned. This includes names like “Mykull” instead of “Michael,” “Jaxxon” instead of “Jackson,” and “Daphane” instead of “Daphne.” The order also bans any name that is not included in the current Social Security Administration’s official database of baby names.
Trump also announced that he would be personally overseeing the enforcement of this new policy, saying, “I’m going to be checking birth certificates, ok, okay? I’m going to make sure that everyone spells their name correctly, and if they don’t, they’re going to have to change it. No exceptions. Under Sleepy Joe, these names have gotten out of control. Just totally out of control. We’re sick and tired of having to think twice about a name when we read it.”
Critics have slammed the order as unnecessary and discriminatory, pointing out that there is no evidence to suggest that unconventionally spelled names are causing any harm or confusion. They also argue that this is an attack on free speech and self-expression.
But Trump remains undeterred. “Listen folks, I’ve got the best name advisors, everyone says so. And they tell me that this is a great idea, okay? It’s going to make America safer, stronger, and more patriotic. No more dumb names. In honor of this historic landmark decision by me, I’ve decided to provide red MANGA hats to everyone here in the press room.”
The order has also led to a backlash from the baby-naming industry, which has claimed that this is an assault on creativity and individuality. “This is an attack on the very foundation of the entire business of baby naming,” said one spokesperson for the National Baby Naming Association (NBNA), “the only people who should be allowed to name babies is us, and possibly the parents of the babies, if we deem them worthy and not cancelled.”
Trump has been quick to dismiss these concerns, saying, “These names are terrible and everyone hates them. And I can tell you, the children with conventionally spelled names are going to be smarter, more successful, and better looking than their name-deformed counterparts. This tyranny of bad names ends today.”
The executive order is expected to take effect immediately, with the Department of the Interior tasked with enforcing the new policy. Trump has also said that he plans to issue additional orders requiring previously named people to change their names, if they aren’t spelled correctly. He also didn’t rule out an outright ban on “weird names.”
“With these executive orders, I’m gonna roll back years of fake names for fake people,” he rambled, “I mean, Medhi Hasan? Slamara Cavendorsch? What the hell are even those names?”
Outgoing Canadian Premier Justin Trudeau was asked about Trump’s order, “I mean, I get it. Names can be confusing and annoying. But this is a bridge too far, even for me. I’m not going to tell my kids they have to change their names just because Trump says so. That’s not how things work. But I do agree that we should make people use their middle name if it’s more traditional than their first name. I’ve already made that change myself, as you can see. Now I’m Pierre Trudeau. Please don’t tariff us.”
