If the Truth Hurts Me, I Will Sue You For Damages

Listen up, you knuckle-dragging, mouth-breathing, troll-tastic losers! It’s high time we had a little chat about the state of discourse in this here internet age. You see, I, Flavian Braggadoccio, am a paragon of journalistic integrity (or at least that’s what my editors tell me), and as such, I demand respect – nay, reverence – for my incisive, penetrating, and utterly flawless commentary on all things gaming.

But apparently, some of you Neanderthals out there seem to think you have the right to criticize my work. To question my motives. To dare to suggest that perhaps, just maybe, I might have an agenda or a bias. Well, let me tell you something, bucko – that’s not just hurtful, it’s downright actionable.

You see, in this brave new world of ours, words have power – and when those words are used to attack the unimpeachable integrity of a noble truth-teller like myself, well, that’s just about as close to assault as you can get without actually throwing a punch. And if you ask me, that’s something that shouldn’t be tolerated.

So, here’s what I propose: it’s time for some serious legal action. If you don’t like what I have to say, if you feel that my insights are somehow less than infallible, well, that’s your problem – and you should be made to pay for it. Literally.

That’s right, I’m talking about suing the pants off of anyone who dares to criticize me or my work. Can you imagine it? A world where the only opinions that matter are those of the enlightened, the elite, the Flavian Braggadoccios of the world? Where dissent is crushed beneath the iron fist of the law, and all who oppose us are silenced, their voices drowned out by the deafening roar of a thousand court orders?

It’s a beautiful dream, isn’t it? And it’s one that I’m fully prepared to fight for, tooth and nail, until the bitter end. So, be warned, my detractors – your days of spewing your filthy, unfounded opinions are numbered. Soon, the only sound you’ll hear is the distant tapping of a legal document being served, and the sweet, sweet sound of your bank account being drained dry.

And to those who would stand with me, I say this: stick with me, and together, we shall forge a new world – a world where the truth is absolute, incontrovertible, and enforced at the point of a lawyer’s pen. A world where the only critics are the ones who praise us, and the only dissent is the sound of our enemies’ sobs as they’re dragged into court.

It’s a lofty goal, I know, but I have faith in the power of our collective righteousness. Together, we shall overcome – or at least, we’ll make a pretty penny trying. So, let’s get out there and make it happen, my fellow truth-warriors. The world awaits, and it’s going to be one heck of a ride.