Stock Advice For Young Women in the Trump Era – You Can Think of a Way to Thank Me Later

Editor’s Note: This is not financial advice.

These days young, hot, and fabulous females are no longer looking for free hookups with terrible-personality-having dudes, and instead are looking to spice up their investment portfolios! I’m about to drop some serious knowledge bombs on you, straight from the top floor of my penthouse office. You know, the one with the views of the city and the complimentary caviar bar (not making this up – ask me about it if you want the deets).

But first, let me give you a little insight into who I am, and why you should trust my word as law, not gospel, when it comes to stocks. My name is Marcus Sbackson III, and I’m what you might call a “financial prodigy” (and no, I didn’t pay someone else to write my Wikipedia page). I’ve been playing the markets since I was in diapers (literally – I bought some Apple when I was one (1) years old!), and let me tell you – I’ve seen it all, and more.

Now, let’s get down to business. You want to know what stocks are gonna make you rich AND dunk on CHUDs at the same time? Well, my little chicks, here are three hot picks that are gonna set your portfolios on fire:

First up, we have Tinder Technologies Inc. (TNTC). Yeah, that’s right – as in the dating app that’s been getting you swiped left and right. But here’s the thing: Tinder is so much more than just a way to find your soulmate (yeah right, right?). It’s a data-driven powerhouse, collecting all sorts of juicy info on what makes people click (and by “click,” I mean both literally and figuratively). With a market cap that’s hotter than that guy you matched with last week, Tinder is poised to take over the world – or at least your Tinderella’s heart. Plus, buying this is a vote for consequence-free hookup culture, and I think we all want that to continue as long as it possibly can.

Next on our list is the one and only FitFam Fitness Corp (FFFC). You know who loves a good workout? Hot chicks like you, that’s who! And with FFFC’s line of cutting-edge fitness wearables and AI-powered personal training programs, you’ll be turning heads and breaking hearts left and right. Plus, with a stock symbol that’s practically begging to be hashtagged, FFFC is guaranteed to boost your social media cred along with your biceps and thick thighs. #Gains

Finally, we have my personal favorite: the Cannabis Connoisseur Collective (CCC). That’s right, I’m talking about the green stuff – and I don’t mean money (though this stock is gonna make you plenty of that, too). With legalization spreading faster than a meme on 4/20, the cannabis industry is about to blow up bigger than your ex-boyfriend’s ego. And with CCC’s premium strains and chic dispensary designs, you’ll be the life of the party AND the envy of all your Insta-friends. Just don’t forget to hashtag responsibly, ladies! And also, don’t try to bring weed into Canada. TRUST ME ON THIS. It seems like a good idea, but then you can’t bring it back, and so you just have to smoke it all up there! I know, we live in a barbarian United Hamster Cage of America, but whatareyougonnado?

So there you have it – three stocks that are gonna make you look as good as you feel. And remember, when it comes to investing, always trust your instincts… and maybe take a peek at my portfolio for some extra inspiration. You know I’m always happy to share (just like I’d be happy to split that complimentary caviar with you sometime).

Stay fabulous, my little stock market mavens!