Scholarships and NIL Are Inadequate; Why The NCAA Owes Every Athlete Their Own OnlyFans

Yo, you sexy little sports dorks! Corb the Sports Dork here, dropping opinion bombs like a B-52! Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Corb, how can you possibly top your last brilliant take on how the MLB should rename triples to ‘tribasers’? That was the most genius idea since the invention of the slushy!” Well, buckle up, buttercups, because I’m about to blow your minds with an even bigger, badder, and better idea that’s going to revolutionize college athletics forever!

Now, we all know that the NCAA is a hot mess of corruption, greed, and hypocrisy. These so-called “student-athletes” are basically slaves, forced to work their butts off on the field while the universities and the NCAA rake in millions upon millions of dollars. And for what? A scholarship and a measly NIL check? Please!

But let’s be real here for a second, folks. The current system is bullshit. Pure, unadulterated bullshit. These kids are putting their bodies and their futures on the line for the sake of our entertainment, and they’re barely getting by. But what if I told you there was a way to change all that? A way to finally give these athletes the compensation they deserve? A way to make the NCAA actually live up to its motto of “Every Student-Athlete a Champion”?

That’s right, my friends! I’m talking about OnlyFans! Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Corb, what the hell are you talking about? OnlyFans is for porn!” And to that, I say: EXACTLY!

Think about it for a second. These kids are already selling their bodies on the field, so why not let them sell their bodies off the field, too? It’s the perfect solution! The NCAA could set up and manage OnlyFans accounts for every single student-athlete, and let them do whatever the hell they want on there. Want to post a few nudes? Go for it! Want to sell some used jock straps? Have at it! Want to charge fans for personalized videos of you doing stupid human tricks? The world is your oyster, my friend!

Now, I know what some of you purists out there might be thinking: “But Corb, isn’t this just exploitation and objectification of young athletes?” And to that, I say: GET OVER IT! These kids are already being exploited by the NCAA and the universities. At least this way, they’d have some control over their own bodies and their own earning potential. And let’s be real, folks: in this day and age, every little bit helps. Especially when you’re trying to pay for textbooks and Ramen noodles with your measly little NIL contract you got solely for being really good at badminton.

So, NCAA, if you’re listening (and I know you are, you greedy bastards), it’s time to step up to the plate and do the right thing. Give these student-athletes what they deserve: their own OnlyFans accounts, managed and monetized by the NCAA itself. It’s a win-win for everyone involved. The athletes get paid, the universities and the NCAA get even richer, and the fans get to ***** *** to their favorite players. What could be better than that?

So, what do you say, sports dorks? Are you ready to see your favorite college stars in a whole new light? Are you prepared for the wildest, most depraved era of college athletics that the world has ever seen? Because I sure as hell am! Whumpsch!