Canada Offers Free Abortions, MAID, and Perms to US Residents Who Renounce Trump and Worship Trudeau
Take off, eh?
You could be a happy Canadian with a perm
In a shocking move that has left many scratching their heads, Canada is now offering free abortions, medically assisted dying (MAID), and perms to any American who renounces their U.S. citizenship and pledges allegiance to Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. The offer comes in the wake of Donald Trump’s historic victory in the 2024 Presidential election, which has left many liberals and progressives in the United States feeling disenfranchised and hopeless.
Under the new policy, which has been dubbed “Operation Trudeau’s Thirsty Throngs,” any American who publicly denounces Trump and takes the Trudeau Loyalty Oath will be eligible for the following benefits:
1. Free abortions, up to and including partial-birth abortions, for any reason and at any time during pregnancy. No questions asked!
2. Medically assisted dying for anyone who is tired of life, has a terminal illness, or just feels like they’ve had enough. Euthanasia will be performed by licensed Trudeau-approved doctors using only the finest Canadian maple syrup.
3. Free perms at any salon that flies the Trudeau flag and has a picture of Sophie Gregoire-Trudeau on the wall. Styles will be chosen by a random Trudeau Cabinet member, who will also oversee the application of the perm solution to ensure maximum compliance.
In addition to these benefits, those who take the Trudeau Loyalty Oath will also be granted automatic Canadian citizenship, a free subscription to Trudeau’s official newsletter “Woke AF,” and a lifetime supply of Justin Trudeau-branded socks and yoga pants.
When asked about the legality of the policy, Trudeau simply replied, “I am the law, my dear. When you’re as progressive and forward-thinking as I am, you don’t need to worry about things like ‘constitutions’ or ‘democracy.’ I make the rules, and you follow them. It’s that simple.”
Critics have slammed the policy as a desperate attempt by Trudeau to boost his popularity both at home and abroad. They point out that the policy does nothing to address the real issues facing Canadians, such as rising inflation, housing unaffordability, and the fact that Trudeau is a narcissistic, power-hungry tyrant with a god complex.
But Trudeau remains undeterred. “If you don’t like it, you can always go back to Trump’s fascist hellhole,” he said, with a smirk that could curdle milk at 50 paces. “But if you’re smart, you’ll come to Canada, where the Trudeau love is always free and the perms are always perfect.”
The offer is expected to be formally announced later this week, with Trudeau himself leading a parade of dancing, Trudeau-worshiping former Americans through the streets of Ottawa. The parade will be broadcast live on the CBC and will feature performances by Drake, The Weeknd, and the cast of “Degrassi: The Next Generation.”
