Evil is Good, Actually: Why Halloween Needs to Be Made Mandatory

Are you tired of having to plan months (and I mean months) in advance to make sure your little trick-or-treaters have the most Instagram-worthy costumes on the block? Sick of being judged by the neighborhood PTA moms because your homemade paper mache’ witch mask fell apart as soon as little Johnny ran into the neighbor’s bushes? Appalled by the attitudes of the older, uglier moms to your sexy-but-still work-appropriate hot girlboss costume? Well, I’ve got some good news for you, my fellow witches (pun intended)! Halloween should be mandatory, nationwide, and more people are coming around to this revolutionary October idea.

I know, I know – you’re probably thinking, “But Karen, what kind of lunatic thinks it’s a good idea to make dressing up like demons and devouring candy into a federal law?” Well, let me tell you something: I do, and I’m not ashamed to say it! In fact, I’m proud to be one of the Real Americans to first talk about this groundbreaking new holiday tradition!

Think about it: Halloween already encourages us to embrace our dark sides, to let our freak flags fly high and proud! It gives us permission – nay, an obligation! – to indulge in all the things we’re normally told to suppress and hide away. But what if, just what if, being evil was actually good for us? Bear with me on this one, folks, because I’ve done some serious research (read: I asked Copilot while sipping rosé and scrolling TikTok), and I think I may have stumbled upon a revolutionary new theory about the psychology of Halloween.

You see, deep down, we all have a little bit of the devil in us, just waiting to come out and play. And while it’s important to appear wholesome and upstanding during the rest of the year, sometimes we just need to let loose, have a few (or ten) Halloween-themed cocktails, put on a mask (not figuratively speaking, of course), and do bad things! It’s like The Purge, but not totally stupid and unrealistic!

Plus, think of the community-building aspect! Halloween gives us an excuse to leave our manicured lawns and break into each other’s homes, even if it’s just for a second. We get to talk to our neighbors – actual conversations, not just a polite wave as we zoom past each other to soccer practice! And while it may feel a little uncomfortable at first when we egg their house or steal their jewels or whatever, we can know that this is what community really looks like.

So, let’s make Halloween what it was always meant to be: a national holiday celebrating our darkest, freest, most authentic selves! No more hiding behind smiles and Pinterest-perfect porches. Let’s let our freak flags fly high and proud, my fellow suburban devils! Let’s embrace the evil in all of us – because deep down, we all know that evil is good, and good is overrated. Trick! Just trick.