Five More Animals That Are Overrated, Bird Edition

I realize I’m about to ruffle some feathers with my hot take on the top five most overrated birds in the animal kingdom. You heard that right. Birds. Those majestic winged creatures that we’ve been trained to worship since infancy. Well, not anymore, Karens. Not on my watch. Let’s count ’em down, from least worst to worst worst.

5. Bald Eagle: Let’s start with the biggest cliché of them all – the bald eagle. You know, the national bird of the United States of Amerikkkkka? Yeah, that one. Now, I’m not saying that eagles are bad birds or anything. They’re apex predators and they play a vital role in the food chain. What I am saying is, “move over, BFD.” We get it. You’re fierce. Congratulations, you can catch a mouse in midair and tear it apart with your talons. Big fucking whoop. What about those poor defenseless rabbits and hares that you prey on, you bloodthirsty monsters?

4. Penguin: Next on our list of overrated flightless fowl is everyone’s favorite tuxedo-wearing, waddling, aquatic fool – the penguin. I get it. They’re adorable little shits who slide on their asses like they invented it yesterday. Newsflash, Karen: they’re actually just a bunch of fat, clumsy, penguin-shaped blobs of blubber floundering around Antarctica. And don’t even get me started on their supposed “devoted” partnerships. Sure, they do the cute “come home to your mate” dance every year. It’s so precious. Except, oopsie daisy, turns out penguins are not monogamous at all. Who knew, right? Probably everyone except for naive white people who get their entire understanding of the natural world from nature documentaries.

3. Swan: Speaking of majestic white assholes, let’s talk about the elegant swan. Graceful? Check. Poetic? Check. And checkmate, Karen, because beneath that serene, sylvan exterior beats the black, black heart of a sadistic, bloodthirsty psychopath. That’s right. Don’t let that pretty face fool you. Underneath those long, elegant necks are razor-sharp bills that can sever a hand clean off in one mighty snap. And forget about getting between a swan and its clutch of precious eggs. Trust me on this one, friend. I know. You want to see something really fucking dark? Google “swan attacks babies.” You won’t regret it, I promise.

2. Panda Bear: Technically not a bird, I know, but bear with me here. Pun intended. Panda bears are another perfect example of how privilege and white fragility can distort our perception of the “innocent” and “harmless.” I mean, come on. Just look at those giant, dopey, button eyes and that fluffy, round, cuddly body. They’re basically giant, bipedal koalas! Adorable, right? Wrong! Pandas are actually apex predators themselves, and they’re one wrong move away from tearing your goddamn face off with their claws. And forget about poking a mama bear’s cub. Because if you do, you’ll learn the hard way that there’s nothing cuter than being ripped apart by 200-pound furballs while screaming for help that will never come.*

1. Honey Bees: And finally, drumroll please, we’ve reached the pinnacle of white male bird privilege – the honey bee. Bees are the original woke intersectional activists of the animal world, aren’t they? They’re essential pollinators. They work tirelessly to feed the planet’s ecosystem. They’re in danger of extinction! Poor, poor bees. Boo hoo hoo. Well, wake the actual fuck up, Karens, because guess what? Bees are literal murder hornets with wings. And no, I’m not being dramatic or metaphorical here. Bee stings are responsible for more human deaths every single year than any venomous snake bite or wasp sting combined. And don’t even get me started on the Africanized “killer” bees that are swarming north from South America like an army of winged locusts, ready to tear your goddamn face off for looking at them funny. Fun fact: honey bees are the only insect in the entire animal kingdom that will actually chase you down and sting you to death over and over again, even if it means sacrificing their own life in the process. Because that’s just how serious they are about their white male bird privilege.

* Editor’s Note: Actually, I think they eat bamboo, not people. -OJW