OCTOBER SURPRISE BI**HES!!! DONALD TRUMP IS SECRETLY A BAD PERSON!

This week totally credible news sources broke absolutely HUUUUUUGE news about a certain someone we all know and love to hate (or hate to love?). That’s right, you guessed it – I’m talking about none other than the Orange Jesus himself, the Don of the Deplorables, the Commander in Cheeto Stain: Donald J. F**king Trump!

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Markus, you dummy, of course Trump is a total douchecanoe! We’ve known that since, what, 1984?” Yeah, I hear ya. But brace yourself, because it’s about to get a whole lot worse. Like, “You’d rather eat your own face” worse.

Webster’s defines a Fascist as 1. a strong believer in or advocate of Fascism, especially as a political doctrine or system of government characterized by a strong central government, a mixture of private and government control of industry, and severe suppression of political and other forms of opposition. Sound familiar to anyone?

Yeah, you heard me right. Apparently, our favorite reality TV president wannabe has been hiding a dark, Nazi-loving secret all these years – and now, thanks to the intrepid journalism of the mainstream media, the cat’s finally out of the bag (metaphorically speaking, of course – we would never condone antiwillful animal containment here at OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM!).

But wait, there’s more! Because apparently, even that wasn’t enough to bury Trump’s political career six feet under, new evidence has surfaced (pun intended) that ol’ Donnie Boy allegedly groped then-supermodel (and current First Lady Melania’s doppelganger) Stacey Williams in front of none other than Jeffrey f**king Epstein himself – in 1993, of all years!

I mean, seriously, what the actual f**kety f**k was going on in the 90s? I was just a foetus myself back then, so excuse my lack of historical context. But apparently, it was just par for the course for rich white dudes to grab whatever they damn well pleased – even if said whatever belonged to reluctant supermodels at high-profile parties attended by future disgraced sex traffickers.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Markus, I love a good scandal as much as the next liberal snowflake, but…Stacey Williams? Really? She’s like, what, a third-tier Kardashian at best these days.” Touché, my discerning friend. But hear me out – because what matters here isn’t the fame (or lack thereof) of the alleged victim, but the message it sends.

You see, if it’s true that Trump thought he was untouchable enough to full-on groping a supermodel in front of a future registered sex offender at a goddamn Jeffrey Epstein party in the 1990s – the height of the ’90s Clinton Era of “I don’t remember” and “It depends on what ‘is’ is” – then what the actual f**k is going to stop him from doing something even worse if he gets back into power in 2024?

Really makes you think, doesn’t it? DOESN’T IT???? WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DREDGE UP TO GET YOU TO STOP VOTING FOR THE ORANGE MAN???