Start Preparing Now For Our Catless Future

My cat is dead. The fact that this fact is staring me in the face like an unblinking cat is making me think about the future. Or lack thereof. All over the world, scientists are warning that climate change and other disasters may be driving the population of cats to extinction. While some might brush these warnings off, I for one cannot dismiss them so easily. With a cat’s ghost currently haunting my bedroom and licking its spectral testicles on my pillow, I think I am in a position of knowledge on the subject. Do not doubt what I have witnessed. From what I’ve heard, California is making it illegal to disagree with women online, anyway. Take that, bro culture!

Anyway, we have seen evidence of increased temperatures leading to droughts, famine, and murder-tornados across continents, causing cats to become less and less common (and more airborne) as time goes on. As the heat increases, so too will their breeding decline and their population decrease until none remain alive to purr or rub up against your legs or cough up hairballs onto your carpet like a jerk (sorry, I’m still a little salty about that).

We also need to prepare ourselves mentally, physically, and emotionally to accept the fact that someday, all the cats will be dead. But until then, let’s try to enjoy these adorable creatures while we can (my advice would be to buy ten of them since they will die soon anyway.)! Make sure to show your feline friends how much you love them by brushing them regularly, giving them toys and treats, cleaning their litter box daily, playing with them outside in safe areas where they can play without risk of harm, taking them for walks on leashes so they don’t wander off alone, etc.

I don’t care if you have dogs; this applies to YOU TOO.

Dogs may act like they like you, but cats have no such illusions. If they like you, they like you. It is like what Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount (yes, he did like cats). Anyway. If they don’t, they don’t. What was I talking about again?

Oh, yeah – it’s quite simple really. Cats will all die, and so will you. Deal with it. Amen.

***

OJ’s Apartment – Same Night, Late

Sarai rubbed her tired eyes, the text on the screen blurring slightly before coming into sharp focus once again. She blinked several times. Did she just type that?

“No, I didn’t.” She mumbled to herself, pushing away from her keyboard. Looking down at the coffee cup, she noted the remnants of black grounds that lingered, stuck to the sides like sedimentary deposits. How many cups of coffee had she consumed tonight? Certainly, not enough. Her eyes wandered up to the clock. It read three-thirty-seven.

“I need sleep. Or coffee.” Standing up, Sarai shook her head vigorously as she tried to wake up. The apartment remained empty, devoid of the laughter or sound of a television. All that was left behind were dishes in the sink, trash cans filled past the rim with pizza boxes, and beer bottles. That’s right, I use oxford commas.

Oh yeah. OJ hadn’t shown his face all day, presumably staying down in Florida to mess around with Katelyn and Olivia. Bastard.

The quiet of her surroundings pushed against her nerves like needles, but that could wait. Maybe later she’d make herself cry for no reason after work, just for fun.

A sudden pounding thumped upon the wall near her, followed by angry shouts between neighbors, “Keep it down!” shouted one male voice while another retorted, “Shut up you, fucking c—!”

She rolled her eyes. “Asshole neighbors,” muttered Sarai under her breath. At least she wasn’t fighting with OJ tonight.

The sudden urge to use the restroom struck her forcefully as she remembered that last time she drank, ate or relieved herself. No wonder she felt so groggy! But how long ago was it that she got home from that horrid office job?

The buzzing of her phone startled her as it vibrated upon her desk. Picking it up, the blue light illuminating her face revealed messages.

One message from ‘MOM.’

Another message from ‘FUTURE IN-LAWS.’

Four messages from ‘ROOMMATE BITCHES.’

Ten notifications from her website app alerting her of comments and criticism. What did you expect? Writing shit posts on the internet didn’t lend itself to positive feedback. People would call you fat even if you starved yourself to become a van life influencer.

Taking the phone, Sarai quickly skimmed through her mother’s text, noting the same lines of disapproval peppered throughout their usual conversations:

‘Staying out of trouble.’

‘Don’t drink.’

‘Don’t go crazy.’.

She rolled her eyes and tossed the device into the trashcan nearby, hoping no one would notice. That’s what families do—they ignore each other until someone dies and they can pretend everything has always been okay without any conflict.

Now to see what her roommates wanted. Swiping past the lockscreen and onto the main screen, Sarai noticed yet another series of texts from Jessica waiting to be read. Clicking on the contact icon, Sarai brought up the first line:

“Where R U??? We got drinks waiting!! <3 Jess & Mads.”

Glancing toward the front door and its two deadbolt locks keeping her safe inside the tiny room she rented, Sarai wondered whether her roommates knew anything. Her friends would keep the peace between them as much as possible, but sooner or later, if anyone found out about this ‘website business,’ there might not be peace anymore.

Peace will be like cats, eaten by a litterbox you got for 10 bucks on Amazon. What did she expect? Such was the nature of blogging on a sketchy website hosted on Panama’s darknet servers.

“What does a South American goat herder have to hide?” asked OJ innocently when she pressed the issue.

Well, plenty, as she now learned. The clock turned five minutes further along, reading three-forty-three AM. Ignoring the drunken text from Jessica for now, Sarai exited the room quietly, leaving only darkness behind her as she headed towards the catless future.