We Need To Name Triples Something Else So New Players Can Break Triples Records
We need to update baseball for a modern audience
records held by old white guys like these are no longer compelling
Alright, listen up, sports dorks! Your boy Corb the Sports Dork is back with another earth-shattering take that’s gonna ruffle some feathers and get those comment sections popping off like a bottle of champagne at a World Series celebration! This time, I’m talking about triples. Yep, you heard me right. Triples! Those three-baggers that make even the most grizzled baseball veterans look like they’re running through molasses in cleats full of cement. But here’s the thing: I think it’s time for a change. A big, bold, beautiful change that’ll shake up the game and get people excited again. And I’m not just talking about bringing back the designated hitter and putting a blindfold on him. No, my friends, I’m talking about renaming triples entirely!
Zoomers are dumb and have the attention span of a grape. What if, instead of “respecting the history of the game” or some dumb crap, we called triples something else so that people could set ALL-NEW records with this totally new thing? If a young person heard, for example, that baseball was setting new records left and right like the second coming of Jim Thorpe, they’d be sure to come to games to see what all the fuss is about! I mean, they’re not gonna go to a game to see people hit triples. What’s even a triple? It sounds like a weird ice cream flavor or something.
“But Corb,” you might say, “isn’t that kinda cheating?” Well, let me tell you something, my little sports nerds: life is all about playing the game and making your own rules. And if the game of baseball wants to stay relevant in today’s fast-paced, constantly evolving world of instant gratification and low attention spans, it needs to adapt or die. So why not give triples a sexy new name that’ll get people talking? Something that rolls off the tongue like “home run” or “strikeout”. I’m thinking… drumroll please… “tribasers”!
Yeah, you heard me right! Tribasers! Just imagine it: your favorite slugger steps up to the plate, cracks one into the gap, and then starts sprinting like a gazelle on Red Bull. As he rounds second and heads for third, the crowd erupts as the announcer booms, “That’s a tribaser for [insert name here]! The rookie is making his mark in the record books!” Can you imagine the hype? The excitement? The sheer, unadulterated joy of seeing a new generation of players chasing after a record that’s been left untouched for decades?
Plus, think about how much easier it would be for announcers to work “tribaser” into their commentary. No more awkward pauses or fumbling over the word “triple”. It’ll just roll off their tongues like honey (and not the sticky kind that gets all over your hands at a stadium hot dog stand). And if we’re gonna be real here, don’t you think tribaser just sounds way cooler than triple? I mean, come on. Tribaser. It’s got a certain ring to it, doesn’t it? Like a badass superhero or something. Or a drug dealer.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Corb, this is the most insane idea you’ve ever had, and that’s saying a lot considering you once suggested that the MLB should replace umpires with trained chimpanzees.” And to that, I say: don’t tempt me!
But in all seriousness, folks, I think it’s time for a change. The game of baseball has been around for over a century, and while tradition is important, sometimes you gotta shake things up to keep people interested. And what better way to do that than by renaming one of the most exciting plays in the game? Tribasers! It’s catchy, it’s cool, and it’ll get people talking (and maybe even watching) like never before. So, MLB, if you’re listening: make it happen! Let’s see some tribasers in 2024!
