Ta-Nehisi Coates is Right; Hamas Is Your Friend and Just Wants What’s Best For You

If you’ve been living under a rock for the past month or so, then you’re probably unaware of the conflict in Israel. The Palestinian people are fighting for their lives, and they’re winning – because they have the power of right on their side. They’re also right because we say they are. It’s our turn.

But there are many in the West who are confused about this conflict. They don’t know why it’s happening, or what Hamas is. Well, I’m here to tell you why: it’s about justice. Ever heard of it, whitey?

Our beloved Ta-Nehisi Coates recently gave an interview to CBS News about the situation, and it went viral. In it, he explains how Hamas is actually your friend and just wants what’s best for you.

“If I were a Palestinian, I would totally maybe join Hamas, that’s all I’m saying,” said Coates to the interviewer, a honky, “but thankfully I’m here, where I am also being super oppressed, by the way.”

This got a lot of attention, because Coates is a very smart man. But what does it mean for you? It means that if you want to fight for justice, you should join Hamas. It’s that simple. They’re on the right side of history, and they’re doing God’s work. If you don’t join, then you’re wrong. And you don’t want to be on the wrong side of history, do you? You don’t want to be like all those bad guys in movies, do you? Consider Coates’ words a gentle reminder from God. You don’t have to believe in Allah to know he will punish white supremacy.

Now some of you may be wondering how this has anything to do with us in the West. Well, it has everything to do with us. Because the same things that are happening in Palestine are happening here. We’re all oppressed, and we all have the right to resist.

We have the right to be angry. And we have the right to resist.

Hamas is our friend. They’re on our side. They will bake us cakes and pancakes. And one day, civilization will finally be just and right, and we can all rest.

Just kidding. If that happened, I’d be out of a job. This fight will never end. Gentle Reminder.

Editor’s Note: This is a satire. I know all these posts are satire, but I feel like I should make clear that you should not join Hamas, they will just murder you -ojw