Are You Hydrated Enough? No? Let’s Fix That With a Built-In Mouth Faucet.

Lately, I’ve noticed a disturbing (exciting?) trend sweeping across social media: people are starting to hook up literal water faucets to their mouths, or even directly into their throats. Yes, you read that right. Apparently, carrying around heavy water bottles or even using a simple water bottle holder is too much effort these days. So, enterprising young inventors have decided to skip the middleman (pun intended) and cut straight to the source. Literally.

Meet the latest craze in hydrating on the go: the Mouth Faucet! It’s simple, it’s genius, and it’s totally gross. Just have a qualified surgeon (or your drunk friend with a pair of scissors) cut a small hole in your face, cheek or neck, and then thread a small, flexible hose directly into your esophagus. Voila! Unlimited fresh water, whenever and wherever you need it!

I know what you’re thinking: “Karen, that sounds like a great way to get a nasty case of gangrene and die a horrible, excruciating death!” But that’s exactly the point, you haters! Not only are you saving precious pocket space (bye-bye purse full of water weight!), but you’re also making a statement about how woke and eco-conscious you are. Just think of all the plastic bottles you’re saving from landfills! And think of the environmental footprint you’re leaving with every refreshing gulp!

But don’t think that this is just another passing fad like the 80s Aqua Net hairdo craze. Oh, no. This is here to stay. Just take a scroll through your Instagram feed, and you’ll see photos and videos everywhere of beautiful people sporting their latest Mouth Faucet accessories. From Swarovski-encrusted gold plated faucets to diamond-encrusted ones, there’s something for every taste (pun intended, again). And forget about those tacky, tacky CamelBak bladders! They look like giant diapers on your back compared to a sleek, discreet Mouth Faucet.

But, you may ask, what about the consequences? The health risks? The social stigma? Please. If Kourtney Kardashiyama can put a f*cking faucet in her mouth for a photoshoot, then I can do anything I f*cking want with my body, too! Besides, have you seen the before and after pictures of people who have undergone this life-changing (no pun intended, this time I really mean it) procedure? It’s like night and day! Those dark circles under their eyes have vanished, replaced by a radiant, youthful glow! Their skin is supple and smooth, like a baby’s derriere! And all it took was a small (read: large) tube sticking out of their face and running to a local water source!

So, what are you waiting for? Say goodbye to dry mouth forever and join the ranks of the hydrated elite! Get yourself a Mouth Faucet today, and quench your thirst for life – literally and figuratively! Just make sure to keep some mouthwash nearby, because nobody wants to kiss a human watering can. Especially when they’re also a walking petri-dish for every bacterial and viral strain known to mankind. But hey, beauty is pain, right? And if that means sacrificing my health for the greater good of the planet, then sign me up for that root canal!