Simple Ways You Can Make Late Capitalism the Best Capitalism

As dirty Millennials, we talk about Late Capitalism a lot. Capitalism is a way to control the market, and that’s how we ensure everyone gets a piece of the pie and no one goes hungry or gets shot by the police. The problem is, if you’re not buying the products you’re told to buy, you’re not contributing to the economy, and you’re basically stealing resources from other people. It’s a total rip-off! But don’t worry, there are plenty of ways to get around the system and still enjoy the comforts of capitalism. Here are a few suggestions:

1. Reclaiming Stuff: Take ownership of something, whether it’s a car or an item or a skill or an identity, and make it your own. Put your name on it, brand it, and make it a symbol of your individuality. No one else can own you, so reclaim your power. For example, you could lick your keyboard in front of everyone so nobody else ever tries to use it. It’s a win-win, but just for you!

2. Support Local: Stop buying from Amazon and go back to the corner store or the farmers market or the local shop down the street. Sure, it may not be as convenient, but it supports local businesses and doesn’t contribute to the corporate machine. If we’re going to survive this awesome Late Capitalist society, we’re going to need to get our desserts from the overpriced boutique down the block, and not from GloboCakes Inc.

3. Save Money: One way to fight back against the system is to stop buying unnecessary items. Use a cheaper version of the thing, or make your own version. Use a recycled, thrifted version. Or make one yourself. Just don’t let capitalism control you. You’re not its slave. You’re a rebel fighter, and you’re fighting the good fight! Just don’t fight too hard, or you WILL be tazed. And that hurts more than you’d think.

4. Arranged Marriage: Get paired up with a random person based on some arbitrary factors, and marry them. Make a family. Have children. Fight over stupid stuff, and eventually fall in love, or at least respect each other. Just don’t use Tinder. Have you seen the people on there? “Hey baby, you look like my future ex-wife, amirite?” All of them are stinky greaseballs. Go with a time-tested matchmaking system that works.

I am confident that if you do these four things, Late Capitalism will become the Best Capitalism for you and your new family of practical strangers. Good luck, and Godspeed, Millennial! #fightthepower