MMA Won’t Be Popular Until They Get Better Names

TITLES THAT GRAB, BROS THAT SLAY: WHY MMA NEEDS BETTER NAMES TO GO MAINSTREAM

Hey, MMA fans (if there are any left). Listen up, because I’m about to blow the lid off this whole “MMA is a growing sport” myth. Newsflash: it’s not. It’s a niche sport for dudes who can’t get a job in the real world and are stuck fighting for scraps in front of 500 drunk, screaming fans in the Czech Republic. I mean, have you seen the names of these so-called “fighters”? There’s Islam Makhachev (no, really, his name is a religion everyone hates) or Dricus Du Plessis (I think my uncle died of that) or Alexandre Pantoja (is that Brazilian for pants?). It’s like they raided the reject pile from a 90s wrestling promotion and called it a day.

Let me tell you, bros, if you want to make it big in this sport, you need names that people can remember. I’m not talking about some lame attempt at a nickname that nobody’s ever heard of. I’m talking about names that make people go, “Oh, I know that guy! He’s a bad dude!” Think about it – did Conor McGregor ever have a chance without being the most generic Irish name possible? Did Ronda Rousey ever get over without being a normally-named hot chick? It’s all about branding, people! You can’t have a sport with names like “Deiveson Figueiredo” or “Blanginho Korshhawver” (actual fighters, by the way) and expect to attract the masses.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Corb, what about all the European… um, ‘fighters’… with their weird, made-up names their parents gave them?” Listen, I don’t care. You want to be popular in America? You need names that Americans can understand and get behind. Period. So here’s the deal: get rid of all the weird dudes, and let’s get to work creating some actual heroes. We need a new generation of “Ruthless” and “Bane” and “The Destroyer” – you know, names that scream, “I’m gonna kick your teeth in and then take a selfie with your broken jaw!” That’s the ticket, folks. Anything less, and you’re just a niche sport for the rest of eternity.