We Need More Queerstorical Representation; Let’s Make Lincoln Gay

The world’s identity redistribution with regard to “representation” has reached new heights, and as a Canadian and a good person, I say it’s about time we take a long overdue look at our most beloved historical figures – or do I mean, “beloved” in a more… complicated way? – and rebrand them as something other than their actual selves. Their traditionally historical selves, I mean. That came out wrong.

Enter the esteemed President Abraham Lincoln, who – and I know this might come as a shock – was not exactly straight. According to recently uncovered historical evidence (i.e., some guy’s Tumblr page), Lincoln had some pretty close relationships with two men: Joshua Green, a businessman, and David Derickson, his presidential bodyguard.

Is it not time we acknowledge this truth and give Lincoln the queer representation he deserves? After all, it’s not like there aren’t already plenty of other historical figures who were actually gay and didn’t get to be president or anything. We can’t just let Lincoln’s legacy be sullied by his heterosexuality! It’s time to re-write history and make him gay – or at least, queer-friendly. Or queer-coded, like Bill Bye the Science Guy.

Now, I know some of you might be thinking, “But Jane, what about his wife?” or “What about his political beliefs?” or “What about his tall hat?” And to those questions, I say… who cares? The important thing here is representation – and what better way to show the world we’re inclusive than by turning our most revered historical figures into LGBTQ+ icons? It’s not like we’re trying to rewrite history or anything… Oh wait, we totally are (and that’s a good thing).

So let’s make Lincoln gay and be done with it. We can call it “Lincoln Pride” and have a national holiday where everyone has to wear a top hat and beard to school or work or wherever they go on Fridays. It’ll be great! And who knows? Maybe next we can make John F. Kennedy or George Washington or even… (dramatic pause) …Jesus Christ queer! The possibilities are endless! The identity politics never end! And I am HERE. FOR. IT! (Just not literally, because I’m Canadian and we’re too polite to do that kind of thing.) #LincolnPride