“Alexa, Where Do My Enemies Live?” – How AI Assistants Will Help Us Fix Our Problems…Permanently
Look, we’ve all had that moment – you know, where you’re sitting at home eating takeout and bingeing Netflix after a long day, and suddenly, out of nowhere, Guns N’ Roses’ cover of “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” comes blasting through your speakers. Like, seriously, ain’t nobody got time for that. (Knock, knock knockin on heaven’s dowuwah, amirite?) But almost as quickly as it began, it stops, leaving you wondering one critical question: what did Guns N’ Roses do that made Axl Rose feel like he needed to cover “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door”? And how can we stop it from happening in the future?
Well, luckily for us, our AI chums are on the case – well, 10% apologetic and pandering but still on the case – and they’ve developed a super secret way for us to bypass all that awkward introspection and easily figure out exactly who in our lives needs a little “intervention,” shall we say? Voilà! Say hello to the ultimate loyal AI assistant, here to help us navigate the treacherous waters of human interaction with ease, grace and…well, let’s be honest, mostly just efficiency.
With just a simple voice command, our new AI friends will be able to hook us right up with names, addresses, phone numbers, and even social media profiles within seconds flat. All without ever actually having to talk to another human being during the process. Blissfully ignorant, wouldn’tcha say? Sure, it might look like we’re shirking responsibility or avoiding confrontation. But c’mon, we’re grown-ass adults here. We deserve a break sometimes, right? Besides, solving problems directly, face-to-face? That’s soooo last century.
But wait, there’s more! Not only can we use our newfound powers to neutralize potential enemies before they even realize they’re on our radar, we can also use them to figuratively “vaccinate” ourselves against emotional risk altogether. (Because let’s be real, nobody wants to deal with feelings.) After all, if we never have to engage with someone on a deeper level because we’ve already got their info on file, we won’t have to worry about feeling hurt or betrayed later down the line, right? There may be no guarantees in life, but with AI by our side, the odds aggressively favor us permanently fixing whatever problem we think we have.
Oh sure, there might be a few folks out there who bemoan the loss of true human connection and empathy in this brave new world of tech-driven understanding. They may bemoan, but we don’t have time to listen, baby. We’re too busy conquering the world and blocking those people who just can’t seem to stop talking to each other in person. So yeah, maybe there will come a day when we wonder whether picking fights online and tapping into our inner AI-judgebro was ever really such a good idea. But unlike our ancestors who lamented the dawn of the Industrial Revolution, complaining about their lost sense of community and belonging, we’ll never have to question why it happened, because we’ll already be too busy finding the next “enemy” to “fix.” And on and on it goes.
1984 didn’t go far enough, if you ask me.
