I Can’t Relate to the Olympics Anymore; It’s Time to Add More Hot Chicks

The Olympics. It’s like the one time every two years (or four if you hate Winter) where we could forget about how much we failed at sports and got to live vicariously through the men and women of Team USA. That was before, though. Nowadays, it’s a washed up, boring event that only grandma watches for some reason. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for me to say what everyone’s been thinking. The Olympics is lame and it’s time to shake it up with some hot chicks.

Don’t get me wrong, I was always the type of guy who would tune in to see if Team USA would win a gold medal in something I’ve never heard of. It was a wholesome and innocent way to bond with my family by sitting in front of the TV, periodically shouting “F*ck YEAH AMERICA RULES!!!!” or something like that. But things have changed, man. The sheeple out there are losing their fur and growing tired of the same old sports and international alliances that make everyone’s f*cking skin crawl. And don’t even get me started on Fat Papa Smurf doing a fake Last Supper with a bunch of typical French people to try to get Christians’ panties all wadded up, and then claiming that it was a reference to some ancient blue Greek a**hole nobody cares about. Way to start the Olympics with failure, Frenchies.

Anyway, it’s not that we can’t relate to the Olympics anymore. It’s the fact that there is a severe lack of hot chicks. Don’t get me wrong, I know there were always a few uggs here or there, but come on now. The Olympics are like one of those basic bitches who claim to hang out with people who are way cooler than you. You don’t want to go to the same places they go, you just want to pretend you’re in their world. Well guess what, we’re not fake here, and we want some hot chicks at the Olympics! And I don’t mean those pretentious white girls everyone’s into on TikTok, but actual hot chicks.

So what do we do about it? We change the f*cking lineup to include events like hula hoop wrestling, Rio’s Seduction Rave, and the infamous Foxy Boxing. Regular Women’s Boxing has clearly failed. Can we get anymore man-approved sports into the Olympics? Please? These new additions will finally give us something to scream about besides the deep-seated hatred of our siblings during family game night.

Are you listening IOC? Yeah, you in your million dollar mansions with your too bright suits and pocket squares. We want hot chicks. We’re tired of pretending to watch sports just because the Olympics are suppose to be “important” or “fun” or something. It’s time to get real, and incorporate some real f*cking entertainment. Otherwise, the Olympics, can enjoy the sweet taste of its own irrelevancy and extinction.