I’m Not Racist, I’m Just Allergic to People of Colour.

I’m not a racist, I’m allergic. It’s a real thing, people! My doctor told me so. You see, I have a rare condition that makes me extremely sensitive to the presence of people of color. It’s not my fault, okay? It’s not like I’m choosing to be allergic to the vibrant cultures and traditions of people who aren’t white. No, I’m just…allergic.

When I’m around people of color, I break out in hives. Not just any hives, but major, full-body hives. It’s like my skin is reacting to the sheer existence of melanin. I’ve tried every allergy medication under the sun, but nothing seems to work. I’ve even tried carrying around an EpiPen, but it’s not like I can just whip it out in the middle of a coffee shop and start injecting myself with epinephrine. I mean, come on, people. I’m trying to live my best life here. I’m not trying to look like a drug addict at Starbucks.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Slamara, how do you survive in a world where people of color are everywhere?” Well, let me tell you, it’s not easy. I have to avoid going to certain parts of town, I have to avoid certain events, and I have to avoid certain social media platforms. It’s like living in a constant state of anxiety, wondering when my allergy is going to strike again.

And don’t even get me started on the whole “cultural appropriation” thing. I mean, I’m not appropriating anything, I’m just…allergic. To the clothes, the music, the food, the art…you name it. It’s not like I’m choosing to benefit from the cultural traditions of people of color, it’s just that my body reacts to them in a way that makes me very uncomfortable.

So, the next time you see me crossing the street to avoid a person of color, or cowering in a corner during a multicultural event, just remember: I’m not a racist, I’m just allergic. I voted for Obama twice, for God’s sake.