Why 2+2 Equals 5, And Why You’re Just Too Dumb To Understand It. (Trust Me, I’m a Games Journalist)

Yo, gamers! I’ve got some breaking news for you: math, as you know it, is dead. And it’s my fault. Yep, ol’ Flavian B. here is the one who single-handedly disrupted the math world by proving once and for all that 2+2 actually equals 5. And yeah, I’m a games journalist. You’re welcome.

So let me break it down for you, dummies. You see, when you add two things together to get to two, and then you add two more things to that four – NO, NO, DON’T TOUCH THAT CALCULATOR. It’s a trap! You thought those four corners of the screen were just there for design? Uh, nope. Those corners are portals to other dimensions, and using the calculator means you’re opening the floodgates to a universe where 2+2 does indeed equal other VALID, NON-WEIRD, calculated (literally) responses as there are infinitely many correct responses to 2+2.

Go back and read that paragraph again until your little brain gets it, gamers. Or don’t. Either way, you’re just going to have to accept this mathematical progress, regardless of your feelings, because I went to Harvard. Facts don’t care about your feelings.

Anyway, so back to our one-of-a-kind news story – where were we? Ah yes, the groundbreaking revelation that 2+2 equals NOT FOUR, but FIVE. It’s a game-changer, trust me – and I’m a games journalist! I should know these things. Plus, I did some deep research, and I can prove it. Don’t believe me? Fine. Here’s my rock-solid, 100% indisputable proof that 2+2=5.

1. I went to Harvard, and am better than you.

2. “But what about the math I learned when I was a child?” Well, it’s 2024. I asked my math activist, Luna, and she told me, “yes, Markus, 2+2 does indeed equal 5.” So that settles it.

3. Furthermore, you know that game, Angry Birds? Well, I just wrote a 35,000 word article on my Substack about how it might be making some deep, philosophical statement about the true nature of math. So there’s that, too. SOLID proof.

Seriously, though, the fact that you’re even questioning my intellectual prowess says more about YOU than it does about me, pal. It’s just sad that the masses are so enslaved by the tyranny of numbers that they’re blind to the greater truth – that reality is subjective, and the only thing that truly matters is my personal, deeply-felt correct opinion. So don’t even try to argue with me, because I went to an Ivy League journalism school, and I still wouldn’t be able to do basic math if my life depended on it. But that doesn’t stop me from lecturing you about it in a clickbait fashion so I can keep my job another month is this late capitalistic hell hole we call games journalism.

But hey, that new Star Wars game is looking great, right? I mean, if you don’t look real hard at it and just take my word for it. To do anything else would be…what’s the word? WEIRD.