It’s 2024, We Need Some New Olympic Sports
We need to change the Olympics to justify my existence as a sports columnist
The Olympics are like that one sad aunt at the family reunion – they’re just there, taking up space, and nobody really wants to talk to them anymore. The events have become stale, the same tired stuff we’ve been seeing for decades. I mean, come on, how many more times do we need to watch a bunch of rich kids swimming in circles? It’s like they’re trying to put us all to sleep. There’s only one way to do the butterfly stroke, it hasn’t changed since the invention of water. So who cares who the fastest swimmer is? It’s silly when you really sit down and think about it.
It’s time for some serious shake-ups in the Olympic world. Let’s face it, the current lineup is straight out of 1904 – not exactly the most exciting time to be alive. Thing weren’t even in color! We need something new, something fresh, something that’s gonna get our collective blood pumping. Here are my top picks to replace the old boring events:
1. **Parkour Racing**: We’ve all seen the videos of dudes running around like total lunatics, vaulting over couches, and flipping off buildings. Now, imagine a whole stadium full of them, competing for the top spot, hitting each other with foam bats along the way. It’s like a real-life video game, folks.
2. **E-Sports Triathlon**: We’re already doing e-sports on the biggest stages, so why not take it to the Olympics? This event combines the physicality of a triathlon with the mental focus of an e-sports competition. It’s like a brain-twisting, heart-pumping, adrenaline-fueled rollercoaster ride. And who doesn’t want to see Dr. Disrespect carrying the U.S. flag in the opening ceremonies? Or, you know, some other, non-disgraced, nerd.
3. **Underwater Drone Racing**: This one’s for all you tech enthusiasts out there. Picture a bunch of sleek, high-speed drones zooming through underwater courses, their propellers whirring as they navigate through coral reefs and sunken shipwrecks. It’s like a futuristic, aquatic version of Formula 1, and someone needs to invent it. Why not the Olympics?
There you have it, folks. These events would shake things up, bring in a new audience, and remind us why the Olympics should still exist. Let’s make it happen, Paris! The world is waiting. [Like and share if you agree, haters will hate.]
