Let’s Bring Back the Dewey Decimal System – I Can’t Find Anything!

You’ve got to admit, folks – the decline of our society has reached its peak. We’re living in an age where basic human skills such as reading books, organizing information, and using your brain have been replaced by scrolling through memes and mindlessly clicking on articles with clickbaity headlines. How did we let this happen? How did we lose touch with something so essential to the human experience? Something so…literary?

My frustration reached boiling point the other day when I found myself in my local library, surrounded by walls of books but unable to locate a single one. It was chaos, utter chaos! Gone were the days of order and logic, when every book had its place in the grand scheme of knowledge, arranged according to the completely orderly Dewey Decimal System. Instead, I was met with shelves haphazardly stacked with novels, nonfiction, cookbooks, and self-help gurus vying for attention like fame-hungry influencers at a red carpet event. It was an assault on my senses, like being trapped inside an Amazon warehouse during Prime Day with no way out and hundreds of low-wage workers breathing on me and being generally weird.

But let’s face it, libraries aren’t the only ones to blame here. Google, you hear me?! You too have abandoned the glorious system created by Melvil Dewey (yes, that Melvil Dewey) in favor of some half-baked algorithm that thinks I want to read about Kardashians and Donald Trump conspiracies just because I occasionally look up recipes for vegan cupcakes (some of them are actually good!). Well, guess what, Google? I don’t care how many calories are in Kim Kardashian’s waist trainer, or if Trump secretly eats Tide Pods! I yearn for an orderly system of information organization that uses decimals, not the machinations of some overcooked machine.

So how do we fix this mess? I propose a return to the tried-and-true method of categorizing books based on subject matter using those beautiful little numbers on the spines. A 900 series for literature? Yes please! A solid 600 series dedicated to technology? Sign me up! And while we’re at it, why don’t we revamp Google’s search algorithms so they value quality content like you’d find on OJ WOLFSMASHER DOT COM instead of flashy clickbait? Just imagine: a world where finding that rare gem of intellectual stimulation is easier than swiping left on Tinder. Heaven on earth!

But before you go thinking I’m some old boomer pining for the good ol’ days, let me clarify – I still love me some internet (as long as it’s filled with liberal opinions and virtue signaling). It’s just that sometimes, amidst all the chaos, I miss the simplicity of a time when you knew exactly where to find that classic Jane Austen novel without having to sift through 57 Kamala Harris memes first. So come on, librarians, library patrons, tech giants – let’s bring back the Dewey Decimal System and make sense of our chaotic lives for once. If we don’t control knowledge, it will control us!